Archive for November, 2006


Week 3 on stands in Night Life, Week 2 Pharoah’s Review, a go!

November 28, 2006

    Don’t forget!  If you’re near a radio on Wednesday morning, make sure to tune in to 1340 AM at 11 AM (or thereabouts) as I’ll be on the air for ‘Dialog with Scott Leffler’, a one hour radio interview/call in show to plug the column as well as the upcoming book along with my other books.  Feel free to call in and mess with the show!  I encourage it! 
     Speaking of that, the new issue of Night Life is on stands today with a scathing, scorching diatribe on how parents need to beat their kids if they misbehave in public.  It’s week 3 of my ‘Big Words I Know By Heart’ column and next month I’ll be replying to reader comments and questions on the last week of the month, so read up, digest, and for the LOVE OF GOD email me at ‘’.  To date I’ve gotten 0 emails in that box (unless you count penis enlargement ads) and I know it takes a while to build up a column following, but what the f?  Show me some love, folks!
     And it sounds like the blog is a go.  They are launching in February but starting up well before hand, so I’ll keep you posted.  I’ve been asked to keep quiet about it on the radio show, so keep that on the Q-T.  Instead of moving my official site again, I’m thinking I’m going to do a sister site that’s PG-13 Rated entitled ‘Buy My Books!’.  It’s sort of an in joke for the email newsletter masses.  You can subscribe for free by emailing me (once again) at ‘’.  Drop your pen?  Here it is again:  Oh, and if you want to see your name in print on the last week of December in the illustrious pages of Night Life magazine, buffalo’s premier weekly paper about booze, porn, and tom waters’ fascination with both, you can feel free to shoot me an email at:


Did you get that?  Since last week’s column was a reprint of ‘A Dying Breed’ from ‘First Person, Last Straw’, I won’t be posting it here.  I will, however, repost the Pharoah’s review from last week’s issue.
Enjoy and I’ll talk to some of you on air this Wednesday, Tom Waters

Drink Like An Egyptian: Pharoah’s Gentleman’s Club

By the time you read this, adult star Brittany Andrews will be gone from Pharoah’s. Originally, I was going to interview her, but I got such a runaround from her agent that I decided the project was far too high maintenance to waste my time with. I’ve had my share of primadonnas for one lifetime, and actresses like Brittany are a dime a dozen. Instead, my buddies and I went on a regular night out to Pharoah’s. And by regular, I mean extraordinary.

Having left Otto’s completely demolished with a small army of drunken, sex crazed deviants in tow, we make a mass exodus to Pharoah’s on a Wednesday. What is it with me and Wednesdays? We’re a baker’s dozen of plastered men and women who roll in with me for the occasion of Intentionally Bald Mike’s 27th birthday. We pop in, hit the bar, and line up for our first round of drink orders. The place is mobbed for any week day, and ten minutes go by at the bar with cash in hand waiting to get our first round. In my younger days, I would have blown up, walked out or complained in a dramatic fashion. Now that I’m older, I realize that they have important regulars to take care of, and it is really, really busy.

Rhonda, one of the two gorgeous bartenders working the line, pops up with her rackstastic self and fills my needs. She’s got some sort of strappy affair over her chest that pulls my line of sight in like a vacuum while we tally up our orders. Blue Light and a double of Maker’s Mark for me, Cosmo for Lindsay, Blue Light for IBM, and many, many assorted drinks for Joey Martin, Tony ‘The Daiq’, Heather, Little Chris, Stephanie, Colleen, Johanna, and Beth. I feel like the last three minutes of Romper Room calling out all these names.

Jenna, a voluptuous blonde, is working the main stage to ‘Sweet Leaf’. The crop of dancers is phenomenal this year, and it’s only Pharoah’s 2nd year in business. A leggy brunette with shoulder length curly hair and white hose seesaws on stage to hip hop. She’s got a button nose and keeps working the stage while we take a higher vantage point at one of the smaller stages to the right. A blonde in red satin works a pole at our table and I feel bad because I’m liquid rich and paper poor. My buddy IBM is called to the stage (after Tony ‘the Daiq’ sets it up) for his birthday and two leggy brunettes sit him in a chair and go to work on him to 50 Cent’s ‘It’s Your Birthday’ or whatever it’s called. He gets the full lap dance treatment, the DJ gives Night Life their due props over the mic, and everybody but me hit’s the rail to catch the action up close and personal.

After they break him in, the girls lay IBM out on the stage bent over and start flaying him 27 times in the ass with a bullwhip for every year on this planet. Cheyanne throttles him like a pack mule. Instead of crying uncle, he takes it like a man and limps gingerly back to his seat afterwards. IBM is gonna have a whole new fetish going into his 27th year. Joey Martins, Tony ‘the Daiq’ and myself go up to the bar and grab a round of shots. Yaegermeister for them and Maker’s Mark for me. We grab a smoke and go for another round of shots. A slim blonde twirls on the gold pole with high silver heels and everyone is pleased. Another blonde with a French maid outfit and a brunette with a leopard bra (Angela and Kiara) share the stage. IBM hits the rail like a lost puppy. Everyone is wondering where Joey Martins and Tony ‘the Daiq’ are and it’s decided that they’re getting extensive lap dances in the lounge towards the back. They come out and a lap dance is purchased for IBM, who remains in back for two full songs and comes out looking pretty fulfilled on all counts. If you’ve never been, Pharoah’s has their bathrooms and their ATM machine located ten feet from the lap dance rooms, which is both evil and a brilliant execution of design flow at the same time. Two more rounds of shots are done with the ladies, the gents, and Rhonda, and my notes begin to degenerate into scrambling chicken scratch not unlike the note pad of a stroke patient. Midnight comes and goes, and we all have to get up so very, very early. On the way home, IBM, Lindsay and I pop in to Mighty Taco and I manage to shovel an entire Mighty Pack down my drunken bottomless hole of a drunken mouth.

Pharoah’s opened with a strong pedigree and delivered with top notch talent. The massive influx of patrons is a testament to what they do right in adult entertainment. To pack a parking lot with well behaved porn freaks on a Wednesday is no small feat and from what manager Bob Warner tells me, it’s a common occurrence. They pack them in and keep the boys in line with astoundingly hot house dancers, reasonably priced drink specials and a full slate of headliners. I am impressed. King Tutankhamen is only spinning in his grave because he wants a lap dance. Badly. We had a mythic time at Pharoah’s. I look forward to coming back after Brittany Andrews gets the hell out of town.

Twenty lashes and eleven to grow on,

Tom ‘strapless’ Waters


Wednesday (29th) Radio Appearance: Dialog with Scott Leffler

November 26, 2006

     This Wednesday, I’ll be returning to the studios of 1340 AM (WLVL) for a guest appearance on ‘Dialog with Scott Leffler’, a one hour talk show with call ins from listeners.  I’m not positive what time it starts, but I’ll be at the studio at 11 am, so I’m assuming that we go on the air at 11:30 AM.  Make sure to tune in and call in if you have the time.  I’m really looking forward to this as an hour is a long time to do schtick, ad lib, and plug the books, the column, and hopefully by Wednesday, the blog.  Make sure to stop back to the Big Words site here on Monday for the new Night Life column info and last week’s Night Life reprints right on schedule.  Since I’m battling some mutant form of insomnia today, I decided to do some work on my long term poetry book.  It’s starting to take shape as something really different.  Fans tell me that they like the essays even though they don’t normally read and hopefully when this prose book is done people will tell me that they liked the poems even though they hate poetry.  Time will tell. 


Big Break(s)! Buffalo News My View Today, tomorrow, and then the world!!

November 25, 2006

If you got today’s edition of The Buffalo News, my essay ‘Zip Sliding Away’ made it in as a 650 word edit in the My View Section on page A-12 under the title ‘A Wandering Mind Is Tough To Lasso’.  This in itself is unremarkable, but what I’m really grateful for is the fact that this is the FIRST time that the Buffalo News has included a plug for my last book, ‘First Person, Last Straw’!  This is a milestone for me, and on top of that, someone from contacted me today about doing a regular blog for them as a founding member on their site!  As long as I can maintain artistic integrity, I’m all in.  This would be a massive, massive coup for my career, so keep your fingers crossed for me and I’ll keep you posted on the fine details!  Yay! If you didn’t get the paper and you want to view it online, click on the link below:


-if they can’t take a joke photo shoot

November 24, 2006

cutting room floor shots

November 24, 2006

red eyes?  try clear eyenot exactly the pick of the litter


-if they can’t take a joke cover!

November 24, 2006

if they can’t take a joke cover sans titleThe photo shoot took some crazy angles and I had to stand on my tippy toes with photographer Shauna Seiler leaning in to the bathroom, but the end result is just what I wanted and I couldn’t be happier.  This is going to make one helluva cover!


-if they can’t take a joke: final stretch!

November 23, 2006

Unfortunately for me, I have to do all the page numbers and headers for the final galley of my next book, -if they can’t take a joke.  In the process of going over the layout, though, I decided to make a retroactive decision on my new book format.  I dropped the poems.  This may come as great news to most and sad news for others, but they won’t be seeing the light of day in this book and they’ve been subsequently moved to a prose collection I’ve been tooling away on for the last year as a side project.  The book is still clocking in at 170 pages and the prose section was only 10 pages, so I’m sure that most of you won’t miss them.  The book seems more thematic and cohesive without them, and I’m sure that critics will treat it with more professional regard when it goes to print on April Fool’s Day in ’07.  I’ll keep you posted with preorder information the second I hear the word go from my new publisher, Trafford Books.  And not one to take a day off from working, I punched up the new Night Life review for both Ying’s Wings and The Buffalo Brewpub.  It’s  a double header review featuring Gregg Sansone.  I’m also doing the photo shoot today with photographer Shauna Seiler for the book cover and the inside head shot.  All work and no play gets things done ahead of schedule…


Uncle Hal Interview is Up and Running!

November 23, 2006

After some delays, my interview on The Pissed Off World Of Uncle Hal podcast is up on the Uncle Hal web site.  To go directly to the link, click on:

 Uncle Hal gave me some great plugs on the homepage, too, so pop over to there at:

It was a long, extensive, enjoyable interview, so you really should check it out.  As soon as I can get the podcast up over here, I will do so.  I also read a new essay on the site (‘Spare The Rod And Find A Hot Poker’) that’s never been seen publicly up until now.  If you want to hear it before you can read it in next week’s Night Life, listen to the damned show!  I’m heading out for another bar review, so enjoy the show, have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and BUY MY BOOKS!

                                                                           -Tom Waters



November 21, 2006

     I just finished a 4 page sequel to an old favorite this morning entitled ‘Why It’s A Good Idea Not To Taunt Your Cuisinart’ about the horrible incomprehension of technology these days.  That essay puts book 5 at 119 pages with 31 or more to go!  It’s hard to believe that I’ve written almost a hundred pages in three months and I’m not going to question it for fear that I’ll jinx it. 

     After numerous attempts to post new information on the blogspot site, it looks like this may become the new permanent home for ‘Big Words I Know By Heart’ online, which is neither bad nor good.  Starting next week, Night Life will begin plugging this address instead of the old one so maybe it’s time for a change. 

     Uncle Hal promised me that he’d be posting last week’s reading and extended interview with myself and special guest star Alycia Ripley some time today, so keep checking back at  You can also click on the toolbar link on the right and it’ll take you to the same place. 

     This is the first day off in three weeks where I wasn’t up to my neck in side projects, so I’m going to piss about most of the day and be lazy.  I might set up two more radio interviews for the coming weeks so keep your eyes peeled…


Week 2 on Stands, Week 1 Right Here!

November 21, 2006

The new issue of Night Life is on stands which means it’s time for another Monday online update! Week 2’s column is a reprint of ‘A Dying Breed’ with notations, an old favorite from the book First Person, Last Straw. Night Life also ran my review from Pharoah’s Night Club entitled ‘Drink Like An Egyptian’, which is in the back in the adult section. Enclosed below you’ll find the inaugural column, ‘Drop Your Socks and Grab Your Reading Glasses!’ along with the review from Madamoisselle’s 7th anniversary, ‘Hello, Yellow Brick Road’. Lindsay’s brother is over to find the glitch on my computer, so I’ll keep it brief. Happy reading!

Big Words I Know By Heart Week 1: Drop Your Socks And Grab Your Reading Glasses! 

Okay, fellow Buffalonions, this has been a dream of mine for a very long time. Lock up your daughters, shield your children’s eyes and stash old, easily offended people in their respective rest homes, because this is gonna be one helluva bumpy ride for the next twelve months. Night Life has lost their marbles and officially given me enough rope to hang myself with. Some of you may be familiar with my work, some of you won’t be, so let me bring you up to speed as quickly as possible and we’ll jettison off into the future together.
Credentials and Shameless Plugs: My name’s Tom Waters. I just turned 31 in October and I was born and raised in Buffalo and I have no intention of moving anywhere else. Warts and all, I love it here. I’ve been writing humorous essays for almost 20 years now, and my high octane rants and sentimental musings have been described as ‘a jolting read’ (Anthony Violanti, Buffalo News) and ‘(painting) a picture of an intelligent man with many gifts’ (Brian Bogucki, ArtVoice). In the last five years I’ve been freelancing like a banshee in town for the likes of The Buffalo News, ArtVoice, The Buffalo Beast, Alt, and the long dead Buffalo Beat (rest in peace) and longer dead Boys Night Out (farewell). I’ve also been published on the super information highway that the kids are so fond of in Acid Logic, Dream Forge, Worldwide Freelancer, The Circle Magazine and so many others that I forget sometimes.
As far as national magazines, I got a notch on my belt for Filmfax’s tenth anniversary issue, Too Much Coffee man, and a handful of other small quarterlies. I’ve been writing bar reviews, strip club reviews and interviews for Night Life magazine for the last five years. It’s been a wonderful ride and I consider Night Life a home of sorts. I submit a lot of short essays to the Buffalo News edited for space constraints and watered down so as not to offend the mainstream sensibility. We won’t be doing that here. If you don’t have a sense of humor, get the hell off of this page right now and don’t come back! I’m not kidding. I’ll wait until you leave. Okay then. I’ve also been doing interviews and book reviews for the last five for ArtVoice. We’re more like ships in the night but they’ve given me a lot of discipline journalistically. That discipline will be promptly thrown out the window every week in this column. And I wrote and published three collections of humor: Born Pissed, Zany Hijinx, and First Person, Last Straw. My fourth baby is out this spring and I’m shooting for a target date of April 1st, which seems fitting. It’s called ‘If They Can’t Take a Joke’.
The troublesome problem as a freelance writer is and always has been my manic depression. How consistent can you be when you write a hundred and fifty pages in six months and drop off the face of the earth without the desire to write a word for the next six? I don’t lean on the bipolar thing like a crutch; it’s more like a religion for me and Buffalo’s perfect for manic depressives. The seasons almost set it off for me at this point. But over the years it’s been frustrating to gain so much ground publicly only to lose it the second you disappear from print. Gaining an audience is a privilege, and I’m going to do my best to grab your attention and hold it. So what’s the solution? A weekly column. Even when I’m down for the count, so to speak, I’ve got over a thousand pages of material to draw from, and the ridiculous thing is that only a fraction of my real work, the essays, has seen the light of day in Buffalo. That’s all going to change starting right now. If I’m going to do this column, let’s make a commitment. I’m going to give you twelve months with the option for renegotiation after the first year. I make no apologies with my writing and I’m not going to spoon feed ideas down your throats like cattle. I won’t insult your intelligence like that. We’re a sharp, sarcastic people, so when I’m pissed, you’re gonna hear about it. If something or someone around here makes me happy, drops me a line or (ideally) buys me a drink, I’ll give you your due props.
Some Loose Ground Rules: First and foremost, this is going to be interactive (or else). Like every writer alive, I have a tortured and fragile ego that needs constant feeding and attention. I thrive on feedback. So at the end of every month, we’ll devote a week to answering fan mail, hate mail, constructive comments and topics that you guys come to the table with. Want to hear me sound off on an issue? Email it in. Think I was way off on something and you want to throw in your two cents? Email it in. I just set up a yahoo account, so direct everything via email to ‘’, lower case, one word. Don’t be childish, either, or I’m coming after you. The first week of every month, I’ll write a context sensitive column tailored specifically towards you, Buffalo. And for the other two weeks in the middle of the month, I’ll either show you some of the new vitriol or nostalgia I’m pounding out or we’ll print something uncut, uncensored and too hot for tv from the archives. No matter what, I promise that we’ll keep it interesting.
And ‘Big Words I Know By Heart’ is multi-faceted. I’ve got an email newsletter that goes out twice a month that’s been going strong in the three hundred to five hundred free subscribers neighborhood for the past five years. Boom. Instant install rate. You better speak loud and proud, founding members, so that Night Life knows you’re around and that you count. If you want to get in on that action, email me at the new address (once again, ‘’) and I’ll be more than happy to add you. There’s also a web site that’s been chugging along to the tune of over 10,000 hits for the last year. Not an astonishing number, but a modest success that’s going to keep climbing. So we’ve got three arms: one in print, one online, and another via email. Plus the books, which I’m going to nag you into buying for a very, very long time.
With every article that’s been printed in The Buffalo News (and there’ve been quite a few), I always get an equal volume of fan mail and hate mail. Fifty fifty right down the middle. I’m cool with that. I am not the literary equivalent of vanilla ice cream, and I do not appeal to everyone. I’m coarse, outspoken, bombastic, controversial, childish sometimes, offensive, obnoxious, downright pissed off and occasionally high brow to the point that people think I come off as condescending. I understand that not everyone has a flexible sense of humor and that some people in this town hold onto their belief systems so tightly that the slightest ripple or threat to their values tears them to pieces and drives them to send me retarded postcards. That is unacceptable. Let’s play fair, here, all right? If I don’t come down to your work and knock the dick out of your mouth, be nice enough to take up your beef right here in the column. This will be a democracy, not a one-sided, railroading, Bill O’Reilly-like fascist media dictatorship of liberal blathering.
Night Life’s demographic (on the other hand) and mine are almost symbiotic. I appeal to sexually deviant, drunken men with a good sense of humor and a head on their shoulders and the women who love them. And a few other people. I’m still going to write bar reviews and strip club reviews once a month, but other than that, I’m all about this column. I’m getting too old to go out every week, I’m in a committed relationship, and my liver needs to regenerate a bit for a rainy day or two. That, and there’s so much more that I write about and I don’t want to get typecast. Boobs and beer are both phenomenal past times, but there’s more to life than that, so better or worse, you’re going to see the whole puzzle instead of two pieces in my warped and neurotic head. Buckle up, Buffalo, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. We’re going to do something different. We’re going to do something fun. And we’re going to piss a whole lot of people off at the same time. I’ll see you all next week, and the week after that, and the week after that. Let’s start some trouble.
Tom ‘masthead’ Waters

Hello, Yellow Brick Road: Madamoisselle’s 7th Anniversary Party

It’s a Wednesday night and I’m at Madamoisselle’s writing my first club review in over ten months. I came out of partial retirement for their 7th anniversary party. It’s hard to believe it’s been seven great years. Returning from the last tour of duty are the lovely Lindsay and longtime party guy Intentionally Bald Mike. We saunter in and I say hi to my old buddy Bill, one of the managers. Bill leads us up to the V.I.P. area so I can wish partial owner Mark Whipple a happy anniversary and many more to come. By way of gift, I give him a copy of my last book, First Person, Last Straw, which includes the Mary Carey interview I conducted at Madam’s three years ago along with the review from Opie and Anthony’s infamous appearance in Angola. Thanks to Mark I got to meet O & A, along with legions of famous adult mega stars over the years. A free book is the least I can do. Mark introduces me to Irene Rudan, one of the other owners. Goddamn, it’s good to be back.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Every time I walk into Madam’s, it feels like I’m coming home. I spring for our first round and I get a double of Knob Creek, a bottle of Blue Light, a Blue for IBM. and a Cosmopolitan for Lindsay. We grab our drinks and decide to circulate on the lower level near the other bar. Oh, did I mention that there were women taking their clothes off on stage? Well, there were. There’s a delectable blonde with a long, bob-style pony tail in a white lace outfit making love to the pole who reminds me of actress Sky Blue. The song ends and Victoria, a hard bodied black chick with blonde hair takes the stage. My buddy Ed shows up and I just know that all hell is gonna break loose. Wandering around on the floor at any given time are a gaggle of smoldering blondes, brunettes and redheads in various states of undress. Intentionally Bald Mike motions my attention to a redhead with high, striped pantyhose who couldn’t conceivably be any sexier. I haven’t seen a free buffet line so packed since Vegas, and from the smell of the chicken wings, I can see why.
Venus and Victoria walk onto the main stage. One is a voluptuous black fox with a delicate black lace affair and the other is a blonde barely legal with tight pants and an athletic body. They shake and shimmy to some strange techno remix that sounds like a cross between the music in ‘Burnout: Revenge’ and ‘All The Leaves Are Brown’. While IBM is sporting for the next round, the blonde dunce bartending clears my $20 Kentucky bourbon before I’m done with it. Poor skills, bartendress! For the second song of the set, one of the dancers approaches the top of one of the two main stage poles and performs a zero gravity drop that ends inches from the floor. That’s talent.
We grab a smoke, pop back up to the VIP area, order more drinks and ogle a delicious brunette with a hula skirt on stage. I make a play for some wings now that the buffet table has thinned out and the server gives me crap about trying to take my own wings with the tongs. My bad, pal. After being issued three wings, I send IBM on a mission to get additional wings for my fat ass. They give him two. Great. So I send Lindsay and she comes back with three. Four more trips and I’ll have a single order. The wings are incredible, though, and I’ve had my share all over town, so I know. Another set starts with Marilyn Manson playing over the loud speakers and the toned redhead with the phenomenal Pippy Longstocking pantyhose takes the stage. IBM’s got a thing for women aged 18-22, so he’s all over that. He’s in his glory.
We grab another smoke and pop back in to chat with Ed and his longtime friend Dan The Boozeman, who’s always giving me free cigars. We do a shot of Jim Beam and chat about old times. Headliner Alicia Chase comes out in a Dorothy (from The Wizard Of Oz) print dress and instantly loses the dress to reveal a life-altering pair of 33 Cs to a dance version of ‘Ease On Down The Road’ from The Wiz. As far as boob men go, I’m a terminal case, so she has my full attention. Alicia’s got a red bow in her hair and ruby red slippers. That’s hot. Very hot. For the second song, the DJ busts out with ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go Go’. Alicia bends over to collect a tip and I can tell she’s au natural. They lay down tarp on the stage for the 3rd song and fill a kiddie pool with baby oil. She starts working a streamer to the tune of ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow’ and starts painting her boobs with body paint in various colors while squatting in the kiddie pool, drenched in body oil. Lindsay knows that it’s a good thing when we do the exotic club reviews because she gets the works when we get home.
Dan The Boozeman and I are holding up the rail when Carol, an adorable blonde, saddles up to the bar and we do shots of Jack Daniels. My buddy Josh Boyardee (he’s going to cooking school) shows up. In the event that I didn’t mention it yet, I employ aliases occasionally to protect the lecherous. Josh and I talk about Madam’s brilliant business move from full-figured hotties for staff dancers to just past legal, perfect ten type girls. There’s been a definite shift for the better in terms of the talent, and it was great to begin with. ‘Gotti’ Brian shows up with his buddy and I’m too plowed to write anymore. There’s a toned, small breasted blonde who works it to INXS. Perfection in motion. Josh and I make our way to the center stage and offer up our folded dollars to another black hottie with strap-hose on that accentuates her big, toned booty. Baby got back! This is all too much. As an weathered old pervert of 31, and after multiple shots and beers, my brain has reached sensory overload. It’s time to go home. IBM wants to finish his drink before we leave, so I make a return trip to the buffet table and carve off a Flintstone’s sized hunk of prime rib and shovel it into my drunken pie-hole. We make our way into the night and another review is down. Thanks for seven consecutive years of raising the bar in live adult entertainment, Madam’s. Buffalo wouldn’t be the same without you. Madamoisselles is located on 777 Aero Drive (corner of Rein Rd.).
Feeling it in the morning,
Tom ‘buffet whore’ Waters
Tom Waters’ third book, First Person, Last Straw is available from, and through your local bookstore. For uncut reviews, interviews and other nonsense, visit ‘Big Words I Know By Heart’ at

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