Archive for November, 2006


Week 3 on stands in Night Life, Week 2 Pharoah’s Review, a go!

November 28, 2006

    Don’t forget!  If you’re near a radio on Wednesday morning, make sure to tune in to 1340 AM at 11 AM (or thereabouts) as I’ll be on the air for ‘Dialog with Scott Leffler’, a one hour radio interview/call in show to plug the column as well as the upcoming book along with my other books.  Feel free to call in and mess with the show!  I encourage it! 
     Speaking of that, the new issue of Night Life is on stands today with a scathing, scorching diatribe on how parents need to beat their kids if they misbehave in public.  It’s week 3 of my ‘Big Words I Know By Heart’ column and next month I’ll be replying to reader comments and questions on the last week of the month, so read up, digest, and for the LOVE OF GOD email me at ‘’.  To date I’ve gotten 0 emails in that box (unless you count penis enlargement ads) and I know it takes a while to build up a column following, but what the f?  Show me some love, folks!
     And it sounds like the blog is a go.  They are launching in February but starting up well before hand, so I’ll keep you posted.  I’ve been asked to keep quiet about it on the radio show, so keep that on the Q-T.  Instead of moving my official site again, I’m thinking I’m going to do a sister site that’s PG-13 Rated entitled ‘Buy My Books!’.  It’s sort of an in joke for the email newsletter masses.  You can subscribe for free by emailing me (once again) at ‘’.  Drop your pen?  Here it is again:  Oh, and if you want to see your name in print on the last week of December in the illustrious pages of Night Life magazine, buffalo’s premier weekly paper about booze, porn, and tom waters’ fascination with both, you can feel free to shoot me an email at:


Did you get that?  Since last week’s column was a reprint of ‘A Dying Breed’ from ‘First Person, Last Straw’, I won’t be posting it here.  I will, however, repost the Pharoah’s review from last week’s issue.
Enjoy and I’ll talk to some of you on air this Wednesday, Tom Waters

Drink Like An Egyptian: Pharoah’s Gentleman’s Club

By the time you read this, adult star Brittany Andrews will be gone from Pharoah’s. Originally, I was going to interview her, but I got such a runaround from her agent that I decided the project was far too high maintenance to waste my time with. I’ve had my share of primadonnas for one lifetime, and actresses like Brittany are a dime a dozen. Instead, my buddies and I went on a regular night out to Pharoah’s. And by regular, I mean extraordinary.

Having left Otto’s completely demolished with a small army of drunken, sex crazed deviants in tow, we make a mass exodus to Pharoah’s on a Wednesday. What is it with me and Wednesdays? We’re a baker’s dozen of plastered men and women who roll in with me for the occasion of Intentionally Bald Mike’s 27th birthday. We pop in, hit the bar, and line up for our first round of drink orders. The place is mobbed for any week day, and ten minutes go by at the bar with cash in hand waiting to get our first round. In my younger days, I would have blown up, walked out or complained in a dramatic fashion. Now that I’m older, I realize that they have important regulars to take care of, and it is really, really busy.

Rhonda, one of the two gorgeous bartenders working the line, pops up with her rackstastic self and fills my needs. She’s got some sort of strappy affair over her chest that pulls my line of sight in like a vacuum while we tally up our orders. Blue Light and a double of Maker’s Mark for me, Cosmo for Lindsay, Blue Light for IBM, and many, many assorted drinks for Joey Martin, Tony ‘The Daiq’, Heather, Little Chris, Stephanie, Colleen, Johanna, and Beth. I feel like the last three minutes of Romper Room calling out all these names.

Jenna, a voluptuous blonde, is working the main stage to ‘Sweet Leaf’. The crop of dancers is phenomenal this year, and it’s only Pharoah’s 2nd year in business. A leggy brunette with shoulder length curly hair and white hose seesaws on stage to hip hop. She’s got a button nose and keeps working the stage while we take a higher vantage point at one of the smaller stages to the right. A blonde in red satin works a pole at our table and I feel bad because I’m liquid rich and paper poor. My buddy IBM is called to the stage (after Tony ‘the Daiq’ sets it up) for his birthday and two leggy brunettes sit him in a chair and go to work on him to 50 Cent’s ‘It’s Your Birthday’ or whatever it’s called. He gets the full lap dance treatment, the DJ gives Night Life their due props over the mic, and everybody but me hit’s the rail to catch the action up close and personal.

After they break him in, the girls lay IBM out on the stage bent over and start flaying him 27 times in the ass with a bullwhip for every year on this planet. Cheyanne throttles him like a pack mule. Instead of crying uncle, he takes it like a man and limps gingerly back to his seat afterwards. IBM is gonna have a whole new fetish going into his 27th year. Joey Martins, Tony ‘the Daiq’ and myself go up to the bar and grab a round of shots. Yaegermeister for them and Maker’s Mark for me. We grab a smoke and go for another round of shots. A slim blonde twirls on the gold pole with high silver heels and everyone is pleased. Another blonde with a French maid outfit and a brunette with a leopard bra (Angela and Kiara) share the stage. IBM hits the rail like a lost puppy. Everyone is wondering where Joey Martins and Tony ‘the Daiq’ are and it’s decided that they’re getting extensive lap dances in the lounge towards the back. They come out and a lap dance is purchased for IBM, who remains in back for two full songs and comes out looking pretty fulfilled on all counts. If you’ve never been, Pharoah’s has their bathrooms and their ATM machine located ten feet from the lap dance rooms, which is both evil and a brilliant execution of design flow at the same time. Two more rounds of shots are done with the ladies, the gents, and Rhonda, and my notes begin to degenerate into scrambling chicken scratch not unlike the note pad of a stroke patient. Midnight comes and goes, and we all have to get up so very, very early. On the way home, IBM, Lindsay and I pop in to Mighty Taco and I manage to shovel an entire Mighty Pack down my drunken bottomless hole of a drunken mouth.

Pharoah’s opened with a strong pedigree and delivered with top notch talent. The massive influx of patrons is a testament to what they do right in adult entertainment. To pack a parking lot with well behaved porn freaks on a Wednesday is no small feat and from what manager Bob Warner tells me, it’s a common occurrence. They pack them in and keep the boys in line with astoundingly hot house dancers, reasonably priced drink specials and a full slate of headliners. I am impressed. King Tutankhamen is only spinning in his grave because he wants a lap dance. Badly. We had a mythic time at Pharoah’s. I look forward to coming back after Brittany Andrews gets the hell out of town.

Twenty lashes and eleven to grow on,

Tom ‘strapless’ Waters


Wednesday (29th) Radio Appearance: Dialog with Scott Leffler

November 26, 2006

     This Wednesday, I’ll be returning to the studios of 1340 AM (WLVL) for a guest appearance on ‘Dialog with Scott Leffler’, a one hour talk show with call ins from listeners.  I’m not positive what time it starts, but I’ll be at the studio at 11 am, so I’m assuming that we go on the air at 11:30 AM.  Make sure to tune in and call in if you have the time.  I’m really looking forward to this as an hour is a long time to do schtick, ad lib, and plug the books, the column, and hopefully by Wednesday, the blog.  Make sure to stop back to the Big Words site here on Monday for the new Night Life column info and last week’s Night Life reprints right on schedule.  Since I’m battling some mutant form of insomnia today, I decided to do some work on my long term poetry book.  It’s starting to take shape as something really different.  Fans tell me that they like the essays even though they don’t normally read and hopefully when this prose book is done people will tell me that they liked the poems even though they hate poetry.  Time will tell. 


Big Break(s)! Buffalo News My View Today, tomorrow, and then the world!!

November 25, 2006

If you got today’s edition of The Buffalo News, my essay ‘Zip Sliding Away’ made it in as a 650 word edit in the My View Section on page A-12 under the title ‘A Wandering Mind Is Tough To Lasso’.  This in itself is unremarkable, but what I’m really grateful for is the fact that this is the FIRST time that the Buffalo News has included a plug for my last book, ‘First Person, Last Straw’!  This is a milestone for me, and on top of that, someone from contacted me today about doing a regular blog for them as a founding member on their site!  As long as I can maintain artistic integrity, I’m all in.  This would be a massive, massive coup for my career, so keep your fingers crossed for me and I’ll keep you posted on the fine details!  Yay! If you didn’t get the paper and you want to view it online, click on the link below:


-if they can’t take a joke photo shoot

November 24, 2006

cutting room floor shots

November 24, 2006

red eyes?  try clear eyenot exactly the pick of the litter


-if they can’t take a joke cover!

November 24, 2006

if they can’t take a joke cover sans titleThe photo shoot took some crazy angles and I had to stand on my tippy toes with photographer Shauna Seiler leaning in to the bathroom, but the end result is just what I wanted and I couldn’t be happier.  This is going to make one helluva cover!


-if they can’t take a joke: final stretch!

November 23, 2006

Unfortunately for me, I have to do all the page numbers and headers for the final galley of my next book, -if they can’t take a joke.  In the process of going over the layout, though, I decided to make a retroactive decision on my new book format.  I dropped the poems.  This may come as great news to most and sad news for others, but they won’t be seeing the light of day in this book and they’ve been subsequently moved to a prose collection I’ve been tooling away on for the last year as a side project.  The book is still clocking in at 170 pages and the prose section was only 10 pages, so I’m sure that most of you won’t miss them.  The book seems more thematic and cohesive without them, and I’m sure that critics will treat it with more professional regard when it goes to print on April Fool’s Day in ’07.  I’ll keep you posted with preorder information the second I hear the word go from my new publisher, Trafford Books.  And not one to take a day off from working, I punched up the new Night Life review for both Ying’s Wings and The Buffalo Brewpub.  It’s  a double header review featuring Gregg Sansone.  I’m also doing the photo shoot today with photographer Shauna Seiler for the book cover and the inside head shot.  All work and no play gets things done ahead of schedule…

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