Archive for March, 2007

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Over 3,000 Served/Small Press Book Fair This Saturday!

March 30, 2007

I scrolled back to try and find when we hit the 2,000 hit mark, but to no avail.  Regardless, the Big Words Site just reached 3,000 unique hits today in what seems like only three weeks!  Not too shabby!  The hits keep climbing every day and something tells me we’ll be talking 4,000 soon enough as the frequency and volume of visitors to the site is steadily climbing.  Thanks to Word Press, I can track search terms, daily traffic, monthly stats and trends as well as visitor clicks to and from the site and which blogs are getting the most play for my buck.  This has all been much more informative than my first site on Blogger, and readers seem to like WordPress’s interface much better.  It’s just more user friendly.  Well thanks for visiting, you wacky, net savvy humor lovers!  I appreciate your patronage from the bottom of my heart.  Now buy the new goddamned book, ‘If They Can’t Take A Joke’!

Oh, and lest I forget, before the big Desiderio’s book launch this Sunday with musical guests Michael Bly and Lana and Hund on, April 1st (at 7 pm located on the corner of Broadway and Bowen in Lancaster), I will be selling and promoting the book a day early this Saturday along with some of my new pals from Buffalo State’s Rooftop Poetry Club at the Small Press Book Fair from 12-6 downtown at the Karpeles Manuscript Museum on Porter Ave.  I’m not sure where the actual address is, so map quest it (like I will be) and visit if you’re downtown this weekend.  I’ll also be selling my remaining copies of ‘First Person, Last Straw’ for a cool fifteen bucks along with copies of ‘Clean Up After Me, I’m Irish’ for a cooler ten bucks.  Stop out, get your book signed, and then I’ll see you all on Sunday! 

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Monday Big Words Update! Week 19 on Stands (and RIGHT HERE!) 6 Days Until Launch at Desiderio’s!

March 26, 2007

Now things are starting to get exciting!

We’re only six days away from the official launch for my fourth (or fifth if you count Clean Up After Me, I’m Irish) book, If They Can’t Take A Joke: Confrontational Humor For The Casual Bibliophile!  If you live in Buffalo, I want to see you at Desiderio’s this Sunday, April Fool’s Day at 7 pm, sharp!  I caught Lana and Hund last Friday at Desiderio’s during one of their shows and they are a lock.  Michael Bly (who will also be performing Sunday) is a lock.  And you know I’m gonna be there.  The entire event is free (although I’m asking humbly that you throw a couple bucks in a jar for the musical guests), so what reason do you have not to miss the triple threat of 2007? 

I was also informed today that If They Can’t Take A Joke is now available on not only my publisher’s web site (where it’s two dollars cheaper for the trade paperback and the hardcover) at www.authorhouse.com but also on Amazon, Barnes and Noble’s web site, Border’s web site, and pretty much everyone else’s web site.  It’s looking like I won’t have the hardcover edition available in time for the launch, so if you want a copy of the book in the dust jacket hardcover, you’ll get it faster if you order NOW!  So click on over to authorhouse’s site and buy the damned thing!

That’s all the plugging I’ve got today.  Well, not really.  Since it’s Monday, there’s a new print issue of the Big Words column in Night Life magazine on stands today with the second installment of ‘Shameless Promotional Whoring’.  I’m enclosing it here for your enjoyment since it’s also about Sunday’s event.  I’ll talk to you all in a week (after the initial hoopla),

Tom Waters

Shameless Promotional Whoring Pt.II

Now that we’ve all gotten our drink and our snack and our party on from St. Patty’s at The Hidden Shamrock, you should all be well into third gear for the really big book launch! Are you guys ready for an all out, no holds barred literary BASH? Well I hope so. There are great things in store for this Sunday, kids. Great things indeed. Because this Sunday, April 1st, I’m kicking off my First Annual April Foolfest at Desiderio’s on Broadway and Bowen in the town of Lancaster. I know Lancaster knows how to rock the party that rocks the body, but what about the rest of you, Buffalo? Are you man enough to man up and be part of the bash of the decade? Show me your best! This Sunday (starting at 7pm) I’ll be kicking off the official launch of my new humor collection, If They Can’t Take A Joke: Confrontational Humor For The Casual Bibliophile. It’s about two hundred pages of scathing, confrontational rants and celebrity interviews featuring author Bret Easton Ellis, comic writers Mike Carey, Brian Azzarello and Brian K. Vaughn along with some local writers, artists and musicians. You know what? I’ll just run the publicity blurb right here instead of trying to paraphrase:

Critically lauded Buffalo humor writer Tom Waters sharpens his craft with essays to razor precision in his fourth published collection of wickedly subversive and laugh out loud rants, essays, and celebrity interviews. The author reloads his calculated wit on topics like babies, pornography, restaurants, relationships, driving, wrestling, coffee addiction, weight gain, psychotherapy, writers portrayed in film, the eroding laziness of our culture, drive-thrus, cooking, republicans, and the agony of shopping for clothes with women. The collection also reprints some of Tom’s most popular celebrity interviews with author Bret Easton Ellis, comic legends Mike Carey and Brian Azzarello and cult film director Lloyd Kaufman.

Waters has enjoyed a rabid cult following among his fans and continues to shock, amuse, and offend with his no-nonsense brand of confrontational rants. Compared as a cross between Andy Rooney, Dennis Miller and Denis Leary, his angst-fueled nonfiction endures as a legacy to the Y generation, an amusing threat to baby boomers, and an inspiration to angry young men the world over. His books and articles have appeared in over four countries and have thus far sold thousands of copies. He’s performed his work on the radio, on stage, and in print for almost twenty years, garnering an award for humor from Columbia University and finding publication in The Buffalo News, ArtVoice, Night Life Magazine, Acid Logic, Film Fax, Too Much Coffee Man Magazine, and The Circle, among others. His last collection, First Person, Last Straw, was described as ’a jolting read’ (Anthony Violanti, Buffalo News) and ’a book that gives as much as it takes from you’ (Brian Bogucki, ArtVoice).

Should I up the ante a little bit more, Buffalo? Just say the word. All right then. I’m not going to be the only person on stage this Sunday, because I’m bringing TWO musical acts with me! Local legend Michael Bly will be performing along with Lana and Hund! How’s that for entertainment? And to top it all off, we’re doing this gig for free! I am asking for donations at the door, though, as all three acts are volunteering their time and their talents to help me promote the new book, for which I am very grateful, so please drop a few bucks in the jar at the door so that these musicians don’t go home empty handed. I’d like to take a moment to personally thank Michael Bly and Lana and Hund for saying yes from the word go. It means the world to me. I’m going to read a few select pieces to start the night off and then I’m going to let the musical guests do what they do best, which is rock your f-ing socks off! This is going to be one hell of a party, and if all goes well, we’ll be doing it again next year, same bat time, same bat channel, same bat bar.

I’ll also be promoting all over the place this month for the book, so don’t forget to check my events either on my official site (the web address just below my fat black and white head up there), my YourHub.com site (Big Buffalo I Know By Heart), or Buffalo.com. Don’t think I’m not running listings in ArtVoice and the Buffalo News Gusto as well, because I’ll have the events up there, too. April is going to be one phenomenal month, Buffalo. Why don’t you join me? I’ll see ALL of you this Sunday at 7 pm at Desiderio’s. I wouldn’t miss it for the world, and there are still a few surprises I’m saving for the launch. Let’s have some laughs, sell some books, slam some shots and rock out Lancaster!

Replacing the battery in my spinning bowtie,

Tom ‘buy my goddamned book!’ Waters

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‘The Last Laugh’ from Crass Menagerie (2009)

March 23, 2007

Okay, Big Words fans!  For those of you who are still card carrying members of the exclusive free email newsletter list, here’s your bonus essay for this week’s issue.  It’s a pure psychotic rant in the truest sense of the word that I wrote two months ago minus the humor because I was having that kind of day.  Crass Menagerie is still a long ways off in terms of publication (Slapstick & Superego is up next in the spring of 2008), but you can read one of the excerpts here first!  If you’re not a member, if you can behave yourself, and if you want to be, email bigwordsmailbag@yahoo.com with ‘subscribe’ in the subject heading.  Join the growing army of Waters’ fans, now over 300 members strong!   And don’t forget to pick up The Buffalo News today as my second Club Watch Review (Shogun) is in the Gusto! 

The Last Laugh

If there’s one thing I enjoy, it’s a good old-fashioned grudge, or a vendetta. Feuds are nice but there are too many parties involved and then you have to take the time for conference calls, monthly mailers and power point presentations just to keep everyone in the loop. Give me a grudge any day of the week. I’m an angry man who’s easily offended by nature, so it’s no surprise that I’ve gone years without speaking to people, I’ve made lasting and hurtful comments to people before hanging up on the phone with them, and I’ve gone out of my way to fuck with people where they live. I’m getting better in my old age, but if you mess with me, you better go into witness protection, because I’ll hunt you down and hit you where it hurts. That’s just how I work. I’d rather hurt the other person ten times worse than walk away feeling like someone got the better of me. A lot of people who read my books remark, “Remind me never to fuck with you.’ That’s a great way to put it.

A columnist got on my nerves in my mid-20s and I got about thirty people to email him with insults, death threats and cheap taunts (sorry about that, Lloyd). When I was 17, I ran away from home and didn’t speak to my own parents for over a year. I haven’t talked, seen or run into my little brother in almost three years. And you don’t even wanna get me started on my ex girlfriend. If I can track her down, there’s gonna be trouble. Biblical hellfire and fury type trouble. Her name’s Angela Barrett, and she lives in Ohio now. If I get my hands on that bitch again, her head might wind up in a swamp. Perhaps I’m just being facetious, though. My longtime buddy said something that was way out of line when we were talking on the phone last week and I hung up on him. He’s welcome to call me back, but I have no intention of getting ahold of him anytime soon. My world revolves around vengeance. It fuels my existence.

If there’s one thing I can’t abide by, it’s poor manners. I haven’t been on good terms with the Clarence Bee (a rag of a local and regional paper) in almost five years now because of it. Kevin Hosey, some pud who has an unfortunate day job at the paper, told me to stop nagging his managing editor. God forbid that I make it to a position of power because I will fuck that guy up twenty ways to Sunday. Give me a hint of responsibility and I go on the warpath. Numerous times I’ve gotten steady gigs with newspapers and I’ve used the opportunity to lambast establishments, people, other papers, and anything else that aggravated me. I had a two year grudge with Brennan’s bowery bar and we still haven’t kissed and made up. Michael Calleri, another worthless bastard who works at The Alt (a political rag with a circulation smaller than my block) already rues the day he messed with me. That ankle grabber hasn’t gotten his full comeuppance yet and I’m biding my time and feeding the rage until I find the right moment. That guys gonna be delivering his horrible paper to a location one day and BAM!, paralysis.

There’s no cause for petty insults, poor manners, or embarassment towards other people in public places. If you can avoid all three, we won’t have a problem. My last best friend and I had a falling out about five years ago because I slept with his ex and that was more my fault than his, but what are you gonna do? I make mistakes and you’re not allowed to. Bryan Staebell, this pock faced little shit who lives in Cheektowaga, gave me a hard time when I self published my first book, carbon copied my newsletter list from the email address ‘IHateTomWaters’, and emailed me with veiled threats and pathetic remarks. He better watch what circles he travels in, because if we meet again, I’ll put him flat on his ass without hesitating whether we’re in a church or a place of business. Since then, I blind carbon copy all of my email newsletters, which ensures that it will never happen again. He tried to start a writing career a few years ago with the pseudonym of ‘Poecraft’, which is about as pathetic a nom de plume as I’ve ever heard of. The instant I found out online, I posted on every message board and outed his real name and where he lived. He hasn’t written anything new since and his short stories stunk to high heaven.

When I was 24, I was terminated as a temp from a cell phone company that rhymes with Horizon. I went home, wrote about my experience, and sent it out to every major newspaper in town and carbon copied the letter to the Vice President of the company. He called me on the phone personally to try and smooth things out that day but it was too late. My former boss there still looks a little shaky and she’s been demoted about five times since to some shoebox of a kiosk location in the North Towns. I’m not done with her by a long shot.

There’s a neighbor who stays right next to our estate down at our summer home who knows damn well to steer clear of me for reasons I’d rather not go into. I blast music, drink whiskey and holler off the porch at three in the morning and he doesn’t say peep. The guy’s in his ‘70s and I’ll piss on his grave well before I say two nice things to him ever again. He’s going to die eventually and I’d rather make the time he has left uncomfortable and unpleasant.

Some people are pacifists and others are easy going. I’m neither. I’m an antagonist, and I’ve been at it for a long time. I’m fun to be around as long as I get my own way all the time every time and if it’s anything else, you’re in trouble. Some guy hit on my girlfriend in a bar a year ago and I sat right next to him and dropped a bombshell like “You really don’t want to keep your arm, do you?’ I’m psychotic, and not to be fucked with. I wrote a review on the bar and took them down in flames with him, saying that it was a nice place but until they cleaned up the clientele, I wouldn’t be going back. No one is safe and nothing is sacred.

The world’s too small to be unprofessional, and when I have issues with a newspaper, I’ll draw first blood and make sure they don’t try it again if they know what’s good for them. You’d think I’d run out of good friends but the ones who make the cut end up aiding me in my miniature crusades. I don’t call in the troops often, but if I have a problem, they’re there for me. A lot of them are itching for a good old fashioned fist fight, and all they need is my word to unleash hell. I’ll fuck you up so badly that you’ll never want to look sideways at a stranger again. One look and you’ll wish you were at home under the covers. I’ll find your weak point and rip it wide open.

Somebody parked in my spot once and I parked sideways in front of them blocking them in and called the cops to report that someone was in my designated spot. I am not one to be trifled with. Gangster rappers can talk all the trash they want but they don’t have a clue how to crawl into somebody’s head and destroy everything they hold dear. I’ve watched ‘Pacific Heights’, ‘Rushmore’ and ‘The Game’ dozens of times and I was taking notes. I’ve been playing this game far too long for you to even get close to winning, so give up before you get hurt and don’t even try. I’ve done things for people in high, invisible, powerful places and I’ve still got favors to call in when it counts. People with Italian accents, political positions and large arms. People with influence who only have to flex their muscle to move the earth on its axis.

I’ve mellowed out a great deal in my old age but that doesn’t mean I won’t bring the beast out of his cage when I’m provoked. I pissed my next door neighbors off so badly that they recently moved to the farthest region of the building on the second floor to get away from me. The neighbor before them tried to play tough guy with me when my friends were over and I sent him scurrying back to his apartment with his tail between his legs. I had my little brother locked up in the worst holding center in town for a weekend on a whim and he’s too stupid to have learned from the experience. Life is catching up with him, though, and when he’s in a hospital bed, I’m going to pinch the air hose and break his nose in fifteen places. Revenge is a dish best served as the main course and enjoyed in large quantities. Do not fuck with me.

My silence is worse than my ire,

Tom ‘v for vicious’ Waters

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Final March/April Calendar Of Events for ‘If They Can’t Take A Joke: Confrontational Humor For The Casual Bibliophile’ by Tom Waters

March 23, 2007

March/April Book Promotions for Clean Up After Me, I’m Irish: A Cheap Degenerate’s Guide To Buffalo Bars and If They Can’t Take A Joke: Confrontational Humor For The Casual Bibliophile by Tom Waters

Note: These are the final dates and details for March and April.  I’ll include the May listings as we get closer to the actual month.   

Saturday, March 31st, 12pm-6pm: Buffalo Small Press Book Fair at Karpeles Manuscript Library Museum, 453 Porter Avenue in Buffalo.  Buy If They Can’t Take A Joke: Confrontational Humor For The Casual Bibliophile by Tom Waters a day before the official launch!

Sunday, April 1st, 7pm-12am: First Annual April Foolfest at Desiderio’s on Broadway and Bowen in Lancaster.  Offical launch for If They Can’t Take A Joke: Confrontational Humor For The Casual Bibliophile by Tom Waters in hard cover and soft cover.  Reading and signing followed by musical acts Michael Bly and Lana and Hund.  Admission is free, donations accepted at the door for musical guests.

Thursday, April 5th, 7pm-9pm: Book reading and signing for If They Can’t Take A Joke by Tom Waters at the Clarence Center Coffee Co.  (corner of Clarence Center Rd. and Goodrich in Clarence Center). 

Saturday, April 7th, 12pm-4pm: Book signing for If They Can’t Take A Joke by Tom Waters at F.Y.E Hamburg.  Located in the Mckinley Mall plaza in the town of Hamburg. 

Saturday, April 7th, 7pm-11pm: Tom’s Atomic Kegger 2!  Book signing and free beer all night for everyone who purchases a copy of If They Can’t Take A Joke by Tom Waters.  20% all comics, toys and collectibles at Don’s Atomic Comics, Transit Rd. in Depew in the Red Wings Shoes/Burgandy Room plaza.  Must be 21 or older to receive free beer.

Saturday, April 14th, 12pm-4pm: Book signing for If They Can’t Take A Joke by Tom Waters at F.Y.E Amherst.  Located on Transit and Wherle in the town of Lancaster.

Monday, April 16th, 7 pm: Reading and signing for If They Can’t Take A Joke with local poet Carrie Spadter at Caz Coffee Café, Orchard Park. 

Wednesday, April 18th.  7 pm.  Reading, signing and author Q & A for If They Can’t Take A Joke by Tom Waters at the Lancaster Public Library.  Located on Broadway near Central Avenue in the town of Lancaster.  

Sunday, April 22nd, 2pm-4pm.  Book signing for If They Can’t Take A Joke by Tom Waters at Talking Leaves Elmwood.  Located on Elmwood Ave. past Forest in the city of Buffalo.

Wednesday, April 25th, 4pm-5pm.  Book reading, signing and author Q&A session for If They Can’t Take A Joke by Tom Waters for the Rooftop Poetry Club at Buffalo State College.  Located in the campus library ‘on the rooftop’ at Buffalo State College, Elmwood Ave., Buffalo.     

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Puma Swede Update/Unique Site Hit Update

March 22, 2007

Whelp, Puma and I finally got around to our phone interview today and it’s going to be a real corker.  Look forward to seeing that one first in Acid Logic online (www.acidlogic.com) and in Buffalo in print sometime in the future.

The big news I have today is that (for reasons completely clandestine, confusing and completely unexplainable to me that I have no idea about) my unique site hits on this site have reached a new record!  As of yesterday (Wednesday, March 21st), the Big Words site received 107 unique hits for the day from 107 distinctly different net travelers!  This almost doubles my former record of 59 unique hits in February set by the Val Townsend incident.  What are unique hits, you may ask?  Well some sites only track a hit (or a visit) by every time someone clicks onto the site.  A unique hit is a hit with more integrity.  It measures only each visit made by a different person.   What’s beautiful about this site is that I can track every search term, site trackbacks and some other beautiful things to see why, where and what my readers are looking for.  This teaches me quite a bit.  So rest assured Big Words fans (old and new).  I’ll be taking this knowledge to full advantage.  I appreciate the traffic and I’ll be doing my best to make sure that I can better serve you in the future!  Going forward with the book, the column and the various other freelancing footholds I’ve been gaining locally and nationally, we can only look forward to bigger and better media exposure and (once again) Integrity in print as well as on the internet.  I’m entering some interesting times.  Let’s hope I don’t have any more crusades to embark upon…

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How Do You Sleep?

March 21, 2007

It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of John Lennon’s life and music (as a member of the Beatles as well as a solo artist).  A lot of his moods mirror my own, and this week, I’m reminded of the song ‘How Do You Sleep?’ from 1971’s Imagine album.  Here are the lyrics:

/so sgt. pepper took you by
surprise/
/you better see right thru that
mother’s eyes/
/those freaks was right when
they said you was dead/
/the one mistake you made was
in your head/
/ohh, how do you sleep?/
/oh, how do you sleep at night?/

/you live with straights who tell
you you was king/
/jump when your momma tell
you anything/
/the only thing you done was
yesterday/
/and since you’ve gone you’re
just another day/
/how do you sleep?/
/oh, how do you sleep at night?/

/a pretty face may last a year
or two/
/but pretty soon they’ll see
what you can do/
/the sound you make is muzak
to my ears/
/you must have learned
something in all those years/
/how do you sleep?/
/oh, how do you sleep at night?/

To answer that song, I sleep peacefully with a clear conscience and someone who loves me in a big queen sized bed.  Not everyone can say the same.  If this post seems vague, then it wasn’t intended for you.  Great album, that Imagine, though. 

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Monday Big Words Update! Week 18 on Stands, ‘If They Can’t Take A Joke’ in my hands!!!!

March 19, 2007

So the ‘Clean Up After Me, I’m Irish’ promotion came and went and was a smashing success and now we’re rounding the final stretch to the big launch of ‘If They Can’t Take A Joke’ in 13 DAYS!  We are now less than two weeks away from the bash at Desiderio’s on Broadway on April Fool’s Day and I’m pumped!  Authorhouse just sent me one of my comp copies of the book today and it’s the best looking book yet from an aesthetic standpoint.  At 271 pages and $18, it’s also the best value of any book I’ve ever released, so soak up all that Watersy goodness!  Spread it on!  You can buy a copy (or 15 copies, for that matter) right this second at:

 www.authorhouse.com  

The new issue of Night Life is on stands today with ‘Portrait Of Health’, a little ditty (from next year’s ‘Slapstick & Superego’) about how reprehensible my eating, drinking and exercise habits are.  I won’t be reprinting that one here.  I will, however, be simultaneously running next week’s column the same day it hits stands, as next week’s column comprises Part Two of my ‘Shameless Promotional Whoring’ series, of which I’m sure there will be more.  And speaking of promotional whoring, I’ll be sitting down with the good folks at 97 Rock to talk about going onto their morning show to promote the new book in April.  I’ll keep this post brief as I’m still recovering from Saturday’s festivities and I’d like to read the book through in one shot to see how it holds up as a body of work.  I think you’re going to be really, really impressed, Buffalo!  Talk to you soon,

Tom Waters 

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‘Clean Up After Me, I’m Irish’ Aftermath!

March 18, 2007

Jill, one of the best bartenders at 'The Rock'!

Jill balancing perhaps her fourth tray of green shots during St. Patrick’s Day at Hidden Shamrock.

     The Hidden Shamrock was a mob scene yesterday, and I don’t think we could’ve packed in any more people if we wanted to. Aside from my promotion for the book ‘Clean Up After Me, I’m Irish: A Cheap Degenerate’s Guide To Buffalo Bars’, they had traditional Irish folk dancing as well as five dollar pitchers of green beer (which they ran out of around eleven o’clock. There had to be at least two hundred and fifty people at the Shamrock yesterday, and since I committed to appearing there from six pm to twelve am on St. Patrick’s Day, I drank from….six pm until about eleven thirty. Ten years ago, I was a bit more spry when it came to marathon drinking, but yesterday, I did my best to pace myself, and sold a payload of books in the process. Michael Bly popped in and did some shots to show some support for the book (even though he had his own gig at Kodiak Jack’s in Elma) and fellow pal and author Alycia Ripley popped in towards the end to buy a copy of the book. It wasa rousing, drunken, foot stomping, whiskey swilling good time. Many thanks to Tom, Kevin, Jill, Kindra and everyone else at The Hidden Shamrock. We’ll have to do something again next year. It was good practice for the real book launch on April Fool’s Day with ‘If They Can’t Take A Joke’. If you missed yesterday, then you definitely don’t want to miss April Fool’s at Desiderio’s on Broadway! Seeya in two weeks,
Tom Waters

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If They Can’t Take A Joke NOW AVAILABLE in trade paperback! Order Now!

March 17, 2007

I just wanted to let you all know that the trade paperback version of If They Can’t Take A Joke is NOW AVAILABLE from my publisher’s web site at www.authorhouse.com !  You’re not going to hurt my feelings if you’d rather have the 272 page trade paperback over the dust jacket hardcover (as a matter of fact, I make more royalties on the trade paperback), so start your ordering!  I don’t care if you buy it from me in April (although my personal bank of books WILL BE LIMITED throughout the month), in bookstores (when they get them) or through the web site, but remember that if you’re ordering online, the new book is 2 dollars cheaper from the Authorhouse site over any of the other online book retailers.  So what are you waiting for?  Be the first on your block to own my fourth humor collection, now with 100% less poetry!  Here is the direct link for your book ordering pleasure:http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail~bookid~44407.aspx

Buy ten copies and I’ll wash your car!  Tell all your friends, tell your loved ones and tell your enemies by taping the address to a brick you throw through their window, but BUY NOW!!!  Don’t delay, order today! 

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Validation! Buffalo News Gusto Club Watch Review Today!

March 16, 2007

After six weeks (due to some editing concerns and a steady backlog of other reviews), my first bar review premiered in The Buffalo News Gusto today on Mazariello’s in Lancaster/Depew.  As I’ve said before, my bar reviews from this point on are the property of The Buffalo News, so I will be unable to reprint them anywhere (in books, on this site, anywhere), so spend the fifty cents and pick one up.  This is a huge milestone for me and I’m really happy to be taking assignments from the News on a regular basis moving forward.  It’s a dream to work for them as a Union staff writer at some point down the road, and this is one small step towards that goal.  After five years of writing bar reviews for Night Life, I’ve finally hit the big time and all this hard work is beginning to pay off.  Those of you who’ve been along for the ride since around 2000 will see this as no surprise, but for many Buffalo readers, this will be the first time they’ve ever read anything of mine.  This can only mean great things for the new book(s) as we approach the launch(es).  Oh, and don’t forget, I’ll be at the Hidden Shamrock TOMORROW from 6-12 selling and signing copies of Clean Up After Me, I’m Irish: A Cheap Degenerate’s Guide To Buffalo Bars!  Be there or be square, and if I seem standoffish, it’s only because I’m shy, so walk up, introduce yourself, buy a book and have a drink with me!

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Country 106.5 FM WYRK Appearance! Selling Out On A Whole ‘Nother Level/’If They Can’t Take A Joke’ Update!

March 14, 2007

     I’m ecstatic to announce that I’ll be going into the studio on Tuesday, April 17 at 8:20 a.m. to promote the launch of ‘If They Can’t Take A Joke’ on Buffalo’s best country station (not to mention the station with the MOST listeners in WNY), 106.5 FM!  This is a huge coup for me and the book and I’m a big fan of the station, so I am psyched to be walking on to their morning show with Clay and Dale during drive time radio listening!  You can’t get much better exposure than morning drive time, so I’m pleased as punch.  I am also trying to button up a few other appearances, but I don’t want to announce the other ones until they’re confirmed.  In addition, I’ll be appearing with Kahle & Company on April 11th at 12:30 on 1340 AM as well as the Pissed Off World Of Uncle Hal podcast sometime during the first week of April.  Don’t think I haven’t been working on some other FM appearances, though, because there are things in the works…

     As for ‘If They Can’t Take A Joke’, the manuscript is finished, the cover has been signed off on and Fed Ex is racing a copy of the trade paperback and the hardcover for my final approval as we speak.  Once I sign off on the book, you can start pre-ordering the book, which (again) is priced at $18 for the trade and $25 for the book and $20 and $27 through Amazon, respectively.  More on everything as we get closer, but I don’t see why pre-orders wouldn’t be available by Monday. 

Oh, and before I forget, I was given 80% assurance that the Gusto bar review on Mazariello’s would be in this Friday, so keep your eyes peeled this Friday for the first (but not the last) bar review in the Buffalo News!

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Monday Big Words Update! ‘Shameless Promotional Whoring Pt.1’ (Week 17) on stands as well as RIGHT HERE!/St. Patrick’s Day at The Hidden Shamrock!/Acid Logic Update!

March 12, 2007

Okie Dokey! 

Due to the timeliness of this week’s column (and the fact that I need every single one of you to come out to Hidden Shamrock THIS SATURDAY from 6pm-12am for the ‘Clean Up After Me, I’m Irish’ book signing), I am going to do something I’ve never done: I’m including the column that came out in today’s issue of Night Life right here as well!  This is a first, and I would truly like the event’s success to be ensured.  Last week’s column, ‘Predators & Editors’ is up on Acid Logic, so if you haven’t read it, you can find it at:

http://www.acidlogic.com/myspace.htm

It also looks like the new issue of Acid Logic is up online, so feel free to read my interview with world renowned comic genius Brian K. Vaughn (‘How To Ruin Swamp Thing’) in this month’s issue at:

http://www.acidlogic.com/brian_vaughn.htm

I don’t want to weigh you down with too many plugs, so without further adieu, here’s the column.  Pretty please show up to the booksigning this Saturday at the Shamrock!  I’ll be your best friend!  Thanks,

Tom Waters

Shameless Promotional Whoring Pt.I

All right, Big Words fans, listen up! Hopefully I’ve grabbed your collective attention with this column over the last sixteen weeks and that there are more of you this week than there have ever been before. From talking to my beloved editor and publisher at Night Life, it sounds like this weekly sound off is starting to gather some steam, which is good, because I’m going to need it. My readers online and the free subscribers who get my bimonthly newsletter (which you can subscribe to as well by emailing the address below my fat black and white head) certainly haven’t hurt the progression of this thing, either. I haven’t asked you for any favors before (and I’m talking to YOU, palooka, the person reading this right NOW), but I’m going to be asking for a couple now, and in a few weeks time. So I’m going to be nice…so I’m going to be nice…and ask with a little bit of sugar instead of the open handed pimp slap I normally employ for the purposes of persuasion.

You may or may not know that I’ve got three published books (Born Pissed, Zany Hijinx, and First Person, Last Straw) that are already out. Feel free to go online or order them in bulk from your local bookstore. This is besides the point, though. Now that I’ve moved on from writing bar reviews for Night Life, I’ve got a book chock full of the last two years worth of bar reviews called Clean Up After Me, I’m Irish: A Cheap Degenerate’s Guide To Buffalo Bars. It’s uncut, uncensored, and it contains every review I wrote for Night Life for the last two years (and some of the more unfavorable reviews never ran in print). If you want, you can buy one online for thirteen bucks through my official Big Words web site (the web address right below my fat black and white head). OR (and this is a big or) you can meet me this Saturday at The Hidden Shamrock for St. Patrick’s Day! I’ll be hawking signed copies of the book for a cool ten bucks and tying one on in classic Irishman fashion, so meet me up for a couple of tall frosty ones!

If you’re unfamiliar with my bar reviews, they were not your run of the mill yawn fests about the décor, the wine list and the Guest. I didn’t follow a connect the dots formula aside from sticking to my guns from the get go that my reviews would cover the things that interested guys my age: how hot are the women and how cheap is the beer. Everything else fell into place. Most of the reviews chronicle how ridiculously loaded me and my friends got, what stupid things I did and if I remembered them, and who tried to pick a fight with me or who I tried to pick a fight with. There are over a hundred pages of that, the book has already sold over two hundred copies, and readers seem to be tremendously positive about the portable paperback. I had a lot of great times over the years writing bar and exotic club reviews for Night Life and now the home stretch of that era is wrapped into one fantastic literary package. If you buy two, I’ll give you a free melon baller at the Shamrock this Saturday.

I haven’t promoted any books for over a year, and the next two months are going to be ridiculous because I’m promoting Clean Up After Me, I’m Irish ONE TIME ONLY at THE HIDDEN SHAMROCK this Saturday from 6 pm to 12am and then two weeks later my new humor collection, If They Can’t Take A Joke will be launching in hardcover and paperback on April Fool’s Day. More on that the last week of this month, but for now, let’s focus solely on getting together and getting ripped out of our gourds at THE HIDDEN SHAMROCK this SATURDAY!

It means a lot to me that they agreed to do this at the Shamrock because, truth be told, it’s pretty close to home and I love Irish bars. They did a great job of remodeling the place, they’ve got hot women, cheap drinks, live music and everything else a cheap degenerate like myself could ask for. So why not join me? I’m not telling, I’m asking. Kindly. Let’s make this an event. Why in the hell would you want to drive downtown on a night like St. Patty’s for anyway? Meet me out in the suburbs, buy a book, buy some drinks, get some phone numbers, and have some fun! If this event goes well and everyone behaves, I promise I’ll throw a huge party when we reach Week 52 in the Big Words column. The likes of which Buffalo has never seen with live bands, stupid drink specials and lots of beautiful party people. Why not? I’ll see you guys this Saturday. I’m looking forward to it, and I’m strapping my drinking shoes on as we speak.

Packing a stomach pump,

Tom ’blarney’ Waters

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The Puma Swede Directive

March 10, 2007

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Yesterday, I happened to set up an interview with six foot blond bombshell and adult film star Puma Swede.  It was more by luck than hard work and determination, but it looks like I’ll be speaking with the blue eyed European some time next week after she’s done with her show at Pharoah’s in Buffalo.  I went out with some of the boys last night to see her act and I have to say, I was impressed.  Just when I think I’ve seen it all, the three minute mile is beaten.  She signed my photo out to ‘Todd’, so we’ll have to work on that.  I’m horrible with names, too.  Most of you know that I’m no stranger to adult film stars and Puma easily makes my Top Five of all time somewhere among Christy Canyon, Jenna Jamison, Jill Kelly and Niki Blonde.  It’s going to be an honor and a pleasure to speak with the young upstart regarding her films and her personal life.  Look for the interview some time in the future in Acid Logic as well as Night Life magazine…

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‘Prometheus Packs A Zippo’ from Crass Menagerie

March 9, 2007

I’m three weeks away from my fourth book, and here I am giving away an exercise that won’t be published until my sixth.  What other writer in Buffalo is willing to give away so much free material and still leave the best for their books, I ask you?  None of them!  As I promised to my email newsletter subscribers (which you can become a member of by subscribing for free by emailing bigwordsmailbag@yahoo.com ), here is a second essay for our bimonthly edition.  If you’re not on the list, then you missed the first one.  In the immortal words of Denis Leary, ‘Life sucks, get a helmet.’  Seriously, though, sign up for the newsletter.  It will change your life and give you a full head of hair.  Here’s the new essay regardless:

Prometheus Packs A Zippo

It seems like every time I embark on the eve of a new book promotion, I have a sad tale of loss and woe that’s unflinchingly honest and inspirational enough to propel me to new heights and accomplishments. Well, I don’t have one this time. It appears as if most of my bad luck is out of my system and I’m joining the travelers on the good karma lollipop this time. Some readers love to read about how I got the shit kicked out of me, how I kicked the shit out of myself, or how I finished a chapter in my life kicking myself in the ass for my own foolishness. Not this time. In a month, I’ll be hitting the front line to promote not one, but two books. One is a trifle that I cobbled together over the course of a weekend full of bar reviews. It’s called Clean Up After Me, I’m Irish, and it’s a little portable reader about Buffalo Bars chronicling my last five years of writing off-the-wall bar reviews. The other is my fourth humor collection, and a quantum leap in style for me as well as a departure of other sorts. That one’s called If They Can’t Take A Joke, and for better or worse, the body of work asserted itself as a book about relationships. I’m in the best possible starting position for this promotion, better than I’ve ever been in terms of contacts, publicity and bookings. I don’t have much of a story about being down and out but I’m sure I can give you something. Real life doesn’t always have a definitive character arc or a story progression. Here’s mine for the last year.

I finished schilling First Person, Last Straw (my third published book and my fourth book altogether) some time in the middle of November due to demands at work and all around exhaustion from touring the Buffalo area. Somehow I landed the book in Media Play, a national superstore that carries books, movies and music, and I appeared at all five or six locations in the county. The two or three months that I toured with the book and did standup appearances went pretty well, all in all. I launched the book at Desiderio’s (a local restaurant/night club) to a pretty good crowd, landed some radio interviews, showed up at a local book fair sponsored by The Buffalo News and drove to a locally owned bookstore to read for awhile to a crowd of three people. I’ve known other people who inflate their attendance numbers and make complicated lies about how they did in terms of turnout and book sales, but I don’t see the point in lying. I do okay for myself and that’s enough. I’d prefer to be honest. I opened for a band at Macaroon’s Night Club in Cheektowaga to a crowd of people who were mostly in their forties and fifties and got heckled. I read on through my four page rant about Buffalo drivers unphased, and when I got off the stage I wandered next to the jackass who was shooting his mouth off and he didn’t seem to have a peep to say to me. I’ll work on my comebacks this time around.

Christmas came and went and I had every intention of promoting more. There are two schools of thought about book promotion and I follow the notion that it’s better to run myself ragged for a month than space everything out so that I have no freedom and no privacy over the course of a year. I prefer to stay behind the scenes most of the time. Plus I need a life and some personal time to actually write these books. After Christmas, we went through a merger at work and I got a new boss. I’ve never dealt well with change. Then I found out that Media Play was going out of business. They were my biggest break to date and it crushed me to find out that my book wasn’t going to be on shelves at a chain anymore. Anxiety crept in through the cracks and depression followed shortly thereafter. That, and I was blocked. After writing a treatise about turning 30 (’Thoughts On 30’) and about how I was over writer’s block, that’s exactly what I got. I was out of the habit and it was tough to jump back in. So I started drinking until three in the morning. This never helps.

My buddy Finn got me into Charles Bukowski, so I went into poet mode and kept writing, but in a different mode. In the span of six months, I penned about sixty pages worth of free verse and labored away on my first full poetry collection. Conceptually, I decided that I was done with the three tiered format of essays, projects and prose for my books. It was time to move on. They functioned for a long time as a good showcase, but it was time to grow up as a writer, so my main focus would remain on essays while the interviews, bar reviews, poetry and other projects could kindly set up residence elsewhere. The prospect of writing a book entirely made up of rants and commentary was daunting, as I’ve never done that before. So I stalled somewhere around page thirty, picked up a glass of whiskey and disappeared inside of myself for a good six months. Sure it was grueling and emotionally painful and demeaning, but we’ve all been here before. I don’t need to go into it at length. I knew what the period was, and I gave in to it. Bipolar (for me) is and always will be a bitch. I’ll take the bad with the good, and so did Lindsay. This was my second down cycle in our relationship and she stuck it out with me, going out for drinks with friends when she was tired of being cooped up in the house and being loving and supportive with me in my cocoon at home while I wasn’t working.

When I can’t write, I am miserable. Therefore, I drink a lot more, and I drink alone, at that. This isn’t an exceptional quality for most writers, and I know I’m not the first one to come up with this healthy and functional way of dealing with a lack of creativity. I read another six or seven Bukowski books and let the sadness and desolation of the writer speak to me, perhaps too much. Months passed and I was no longer writing bar reviews and interviews for Night Life, ArtVoice or The Buffalo News, my three mainstays in the Buffalo area. I called Ed (my editor at Night Life) and told him that I wouldn’t be around for awhile, and that the depression was getting the best of me. This was the first time I brought him into the fold. He understood, and told me not to be a stranger.

Now it’s a bitch to build up an audience and then pull a Houdini on them. If and when you ever come back, you have to win them back one reader at a time, and this takes time. Up to this point, I had no solution for how I would keep people in the loop when the darkness descended, so I had to repeat this process for five or six years. While I was in the planning stages for First Person, Last Straw, I set up a catch-all blog site to inform my fans of what I was up to, and I kept the credo that the site would focus only on publishing, writing, and book related information. The site chugged along with a few updates over the course of those ten months.

By October of 2006, I was starting to come out of it. We had a company convention in Dallas and most of my friends and co-workers were asking about my writing and how it was going. Just the activity of talking about it with people was enough to get the wheels moving again. When I got back from Texas, a tiny idea popped into my head about walking around with my fly down and I rushed out an essay (’Zip Sliding Away’). If They Can’t Take A Joke, my follow up book to First Person, Last Straw, had been complete for almost a year. I’m neurotic that way. I won’t publish or promote a book until I’m at least half way done with the next. ’Zip Sliding Away’ was the first essay I’d written for my fifth book in almost a year. After that, the well spring of support propelled me forward to write more.

Now there was a time when I was content to just write with or without an audience. Those times are long gone. I look at my fans and my friends in all the gray areas as a support group. They keep me from getting too cocky, they keep me from going of the deep end, and they let me know when I’m on the right track. My writing process continues to evolve and transmutate over the years. When I was writing If They Can’t Take A Joke, the plan was to write one article a week to stay fresh and to stay ahead of my readers by three or four articles, and I stuck to that schedule for quite some time. When I stopped writing new material, I stopped sending out my bimonthly newsletter, ’Big Words I Know By Heart’. Always leave them wanting more. I didn’t want to show my readers everything I’ve written, and I still manage to talk them into buying the books because they’re still missing out on forty to sixty percent of my work even if they hit all the web sites and pick up all the publications I appear in. By mid October of 2006, that process went out the window. My brainstorming method of jotting down little ideas into a notebook to find out which ones turned into big ideas went out the window. All of it went out with the baby and the bathwater. This was a new dawn.

Dawn indeed. I realized in the back of my mind that I had some catching up to do. I was tired of going two years before a follow up book, and I started waking up at six and seven in the morning after staying up until one in the morning finishing a piece. Instead of writing one essay a week, I was writing three or four off the top of my head. I got up first thing in the morning, brewed a coffee, and went to work. Writing had become a job for me that I could turn on and off like a switch, and I couldn’t be happier. By November, I felt confident enough about my recovered creativity that I called my editor at Night Life and told him that I wanted back in, but under one condition. I wanted a humor column. I would still do bar reviews from time to time, but the time had come to start doing what I wanted to do. And to sweeten the deal, I’d be able to write it year round, block or no block. With over a thousand pages of backlogged material (most of which has never seen print thanks to the assignments and constrictions of most journalistic publications in this town), I had essays to burn. I knew that Ed was the only editor in town who would print my outrageous, offensive, foul-mouthed tirades intact in this town. He took the bait. Starting late in November, we premiered ’Big Words I Know By Heart’.

Now I don’t know if I’ve ever told this story about the name of the column, the newsletter and the web site, but I’ll digress for a moment and get it out of the way. Six years ago (when I was promoting my first book), I worked with a cocky little shit by the name of Bryan Staebell. I was his boss at a job I was trying to get fired at, so we went to the bar after work (and during work occasionally) numerous times and we talked about my self published monster at the time, Soup To Nuts. This kid was convinced that he could do everything better than anyone, so he read the manuscript and told me that he was going to write a better book and that more people were going to buy it than mine. He told me that my book was garbage, and that I should’ve called it ’Big Words I Know By Heart’. I laughed and told him that was clever, and that sure, his book was going to sell more. Let’s see you make it, I said.

Shortly after that (circa 2001), I started a crude email newsletter for my friends and family to get them interested in the book and the local appearances. I wasn’t net savvy enough at the time to blind copy everyone’s email addresses so that no one poached on them. Bryan gave me money for the book and quit at our place of employment shortly thereafter. I was broke, and forgot about his purchase, so I didn’t or couldn’t get the book to him. Events were sketchy at the time.

Somebody emailed me with the AOL screen name of ’IHateTomWaters’ and emailed the rest of my friends as well. I thought it was the best friend I had a falling out with over sleeping with his ex. I was wrong. It took me a year and a half to figure out (through net research and otherwise) that it was none other than Bryan Staebell. I was good and pissed. So when I figured that out, I also put in some overtime to find out that he was trying to write horror fiction under the preposterous pseudonym of Poecraft. I visited all the message boards and gave away his real identity. He was shut down everywhere within weeks for his improper behavior online and I haven’t seen his stories since. He only wrote two pieces of flash fiction. Some goddamned book.

Bryan still lives in Buffalo and after that, I named all of my official fan goings on under the catch all banner of ‘Big Words I Know By Heart’. I really hope that’s a thorn in his ass. It was a good title for something, and it’s probably the only good idea he’ll ever have. This is the only time I’ve used, taken or gone with another person’s idea. Normally I refuse to accept other people’s suggestions, but I made an exception for this asshole. Moving on…

December of 2006. My blog site was acting buggy so I had to move it and transplant my audience over to the new location, which is never easy. After reaching 10,000 hits at the original, I had to start all over again. After having a short rant appear in The Buffalo News, one of their peripheral reps contacted me with an interesting proposition. A faction of The Buffalo News was splitting their web site (Buffalo.com) and starting a new community site that was picture and blog based. They wanted me to head the charge along with a hand picked selection of two or three other writers. I chomped at the bit. The name of the site was YourHub, and I thought it would make a good in to get some more work into the News. I was right.

Rather than move my readers to a third new site, I gave it a different theme and context. I called it ‘Big Buffalo I Know By Heart’, under the auspices that it would be a PG rated version of my other site with more of a focus on my social life and laden with pictures of my comings and goings. To date, I’ve had almost a thousand hits on the site and the hits keep coming now that it’s gone public since March and the News is dumping millions into marketing and advertising. In my old age, I’ve learned that it’s best not to put all your eggs into one basket. The weekly column kept chugging along and some time before Christmas I completed my fifth book, Slapstick & Superego, in record time. In three months, I’d written a hundred and fifty pages of just essays, which is something I’ve never done before. And I was still writing. In the past, it took a book promotion to get the old creative juices flowing again. There was no published book in sight and I was still chugging along.

With 2007 upon us I was tying up loose ends for my book launch in April for If They Can’t Take A Joke. Somewhere along the line I schmoozed my way into Buffalo Spree, a national magazine, to write interviews, book reviews and other freelance work. And then I elbowed my way into The Buffalo News and started writing bar reviews for them. I was learning how to really network. That, or I’m finally old enough and I’ve been around enough that the industry fossils are taking me seriously for a change.

In February, after deciding to hang up my hat as a bar reviewer for Night Life magazine, I thought about compiling some of the best reviews and putting them together myself in paperback form. I had a web site I put together as a joke actually selling t shirts, thongs and doggy kilts with my book covers and personal pictures that was making money. The site had a book option. I took everything I had in my reviews folder and taught myself PDF over the course of a weekend. This is how Clean Up After Me, I’m Irish was born. It’s sold over 130 copies by hand in less than two months. I wanted to try an experiment to see if the smaller projects would make money if I self published them through an at cost site. It worked.

My poetry collection split in half and I kept giving away poems on my sites to start drumming up interest for a 2008 simultaneous release. An older poem about an ex girlfriend who’s a d.j. caught her attention and she threatened me with a lawsuit. Knowing what I can and can’t get away with, I copied her childish ravings and posted them on the web site. I kept the poem up and her tantrum drove another five or six hundred unique hits to the new Big Words site. Pity for her.

I’m four weeks away from the official book launch for If They Can’t Take A Joke and I couldn’t be positioned any better for success. My weekly column in print is going into its 16th week and I’m not even going to consider the prospect of stopping until it hit’s the year mark, if that. The new web site is rounding out to 2,000 unique hits and averages about fifty visitors a day. Acid Logic, a web site I’ve been contributing to faithfully since 2002, is still drawing new and unusual readers from across the globe to check out my work. I’m about sixty pages into the essay collection AFTER the next essay collection and both poetry volumes are rounding at about seventy percent completion. I’ve got high quality glossy posters up all over town with both book covers and the dates for my appearances at least four weeks in advance. Sometimes it takes five years of making mistakes to learn how to do things the right way when it comes to promotion. I guess I’ll find out this April.

Optioning the action figures through George Lucas,

Tom ’Big Words I Know By Heart’ Waters

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Monday Big Words Update! Week 16 on stands, T-minus FOUR WEEKS To ‘If They Can’t Take A Joke Launch!

March 5, 2007

It’s a new month which means I’m running some different material in the Night Life print version of ‘Big Words I Know By Heart’ after February’s month full of driving related rants.  As most of you have already read, this week’s essay is ‘Predators & Editors’, my Myspace rant.  I omitted a certain line about you know who just to play things safe, as print laws are a bit trickier and I’d rather not drag Night Life into the crossfire, but the rest of the rant is intact.  If you haven’t read it yet, make sure to pick it up on stands across Buffalo and Toronto this week. 

     I also wrote two brand spanking new columns this month in anticipation of the ‘Clean Up After Me, I’m Irish’ launch at the Hidden Shamrock (next week) and the big launch for ‘If They Can’t Take A Joke’ (April Fool’s Day, but the column is running the Monday beforehand), so tune in to the newstands for those.  They’re more of a rallying cry and a testament to shameless promotion than commentary, but I tried to make them entertaining. 

     As for ‘If They Can’t Take A Joke’, we are getting into the end zone.  By my estimations, Author House should have a copy in my hands in two to three weeks, which means you should be able to preorder within the next two weeks.  Keep checking back at:

www.authorhouse.com

-for current updates as they arise.   Again, I make more royalties if you buy the book off of their web site as opposed to Amazon or the other online retailers, so help a brother out! 

That’s all I’ve got for you this Monday.  I’ll be spending a lot of my free time this week seeing Zodiac again in theaters and getting posters out to the venues that are four weeks away or less, so keep your eyes out throughout the Buffalo/Niagara region for flyers with my big ugly mug!  Thanks,

Tom Waters

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Zodiac arrives, Rooftop Poetry Club slaps up a profile for Yours Truly…

March 4, 2007

     I was so pumped to see David Fincher’s new film ‘Zodiac’ yesterday that I took the day off from work and went to one of the first shows of the day before noon.  Clocking in at over two and a half hours, it’s not for everyone, and I hope that viewers won’t walk into the movie hoping for another ‘SE7EN’, because there are very few comparisons.  For film buffs, though, ‘Zodiac’ is a masterpiece.  Some have called it Fincher’s homage to ‘All The President’s Men’ (one of Finch’s all time favorites), others have called it Fincher’s JFK, but I think it’s the first in a new era of films for the director who doesn’t have to prove a goddamned thing to anyone anymore; not the critics, not the studios, and certainly not to the viewer.  He is telling a gripping and fascinating real life story at his own pace that is captivating and enthralling and spellbinding all at once.  I heard a few people bitching about the running time on the way out, and that’s tough nooky for them.  Titanic was a goddamned fifteen hour movie that I still refuse to watch.  If you know anything about great directors or great movies you’ll check it out.  I plan on seeing it four or five more times during it’s theater run and the last film I saw in theaters was ‘Charlie And The Chocolate Factory’.  I knew my Bret Easton Ellis critique was done when I reached a point in my research where I was physically sick of reading about him and felt like I knew the man back to front.  It’s going to be a little while before I get there with Finch.  I’m in no hurry to finish this bio but I expect to wrap it up some time around year’s end. 

     And a short note about Buffalo State College’s Rooftop Poetry Society appearance in April.  They’ve made me a member of their club (thanks to my alumni status) and were kind enough to throw a profile up on their site with a pic, a bio, a rant and two poems.  I almost feel legitimized!  Collegiate, even!  Heavens to mergatroids!  Check it out at the link below:

 http://www.buffalostate.edu/library/rooftop/members/waters.htm

      In case you weren’t sure, the Buffalo State appearance in April is open to the public as well as the students and faculty, so all are invited to attend.  Scroll down to my April calendar for more details.  I also buttoned up two library appearances in April and May along with another concert in May at Club W downtown on Delaware near Chippewa and a double bill with poet Carrie Spadter at Cafe Caz somewhere in South Buffalo.  I’d give you the dates but I might as well amend the appearance calendar in a few week’s time once I feel like I’ve hit a satisfactory amount of publicity events.  That’s all for now.   Talk to you Monday,

Tom Waters 

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‘If They Can’t Take A Joke’ Book Launch update: Sansone’s out, Bly’s in

March 3, 2007

     Due to circumstances beyond both our control, Gregg Sansone will be unable to perform at my book launch at Desiderio’s on April Fool’s Day for my April Foolfest.  However, Michael Bly was kind enough and is willing enough to headline the show, which is fantastic news!  I couldn’t think of a better eleventh hour clutch replacement and honestly, Bly was my first round pick after Sansone informed me that he was unable to attend.  No hard feelings all around, but as Jay Desiderio loves to say, ‘The Show Must Go On’, so as it stands, in four weeks, I will be opening with a rant followed by a full concert from Michael Bly, Green Room and Lana and Hund.  Eat your Wheaties that morning because you are not going to want to miss one second of this star studded extravaganza!

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