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Monday Big Words Update! Week 28 on stands, ‘Wife Beaters & Rollerbladers’ Right Here!

June 4, 2007

You should know the drill by now: Night Life is out today with the latest Big Words I Know By Heart column, ‘Zero Tolerance’ (regarding my eroding immune system).  Make sure to grab yourself a copy this week or you won’t have any idea what ‘the good AIDS’ is.  And since I was so fond of last week’s column, ‘Wife Beaters & Rollerbladers’ (a categorical essay about the rules of summer), I’m running it again here for your enjoyment.  So enjoy it already!  If all goes well this week, I’ll be in Uncle Hal studios on Weds. and make a boatload of cash at the Buffalo News Collectible Show on Sunday.  In the meantime, work has me pretty busy the next two days, so I’ll post later in the week.  Cheers,

Tom Waters

Wife-Beaters & Rollerbladers

Hopefully, by the time you’re reading this, summer will be here, so I’m going to provide some safe, sensible tips for the season. Summer can be a wonderful time to enjoy the nice weather (while we have it), catch some rays and get some exercise, but it’s a good idea to follow a few guidelines so that all of us can enjoy this wonderful season. So here goes:

1. Don’t Mow Your Lawn Before Eight am: Sure, you’re 87 years old and death awaits in every corner of your household, but let those of us with some life left in our bones get our beauty sleep. Mowing the lawn is one of the five million reasons to get out and enjoy the nice weather but you don’t have to wake up the whole neighborhood doing so. A lot of grown ups get up around eight o’clock, so you can start then. If you don’t want to piss off the age bracket most likely to egg your house while you’re sleeping at night, wait until eleven am. Death will still be waiting for you if you get back into the house after two. Trust me on this one.

2. If You’re Twenty Pounds Overweight Or More, Conceal Your Skin: You may think that it’s a big booty world where you can look skanky and superfine at 175 pounds, but you’d be wrong with that line of thinking. Don’t wear a cut-off shirt if you have a baker’s dozen full of rolls on that gut. Don’t ride on your lawn tractor with a white t-shirt if you have man boobs. Don’t jog with your shirt off if you look like an upright and corpulent walrus. Don’t do it. The body is a beautiful and miraculous creation, but not your body. No one wants to see it. Drop some pounds and then you can lose the shirt or start wearing attire from Hot Topic. If you can balance a takeout tray on your ass, you shouldn’t be wearing short shorts. 3. Keep An Eye On Your Kids Or Pay Someone To Watch Them For You: Contrary to popular belief, dumping your litter off at the mall is not a form of babysitting. Letting them sit in front of the television all summer is one of the reasons why we have so many fat preteens in the first place. Spend a little time with the lifelong commitment you shat out and/or force them to get some exercise in the back yard. They can even take their Ipod with them when they’re playing kick ball! Drop them in the pool and walk away if you want to as long as they’re not in a public place bothering me. Trust me, they’ll get even more exercise if I kick their ass into the next zip code and they have to walk back for being obnoxious in a mall, restaurant or any other place of business. Police your litter. Your parents probably did the same for you, so don’t set them loose on the world until they’re old enough to behave themselves, which doesn’t happen until around 26, by my last study.

4. If You Go To The Beach, Don’t Be A Pain In The Ass: This list includes using the beach like a garbage can, fat chicks wearing swimsuits, fat guys ogling women, or packs of wild children acting like jackasses. The beach encompasses the prior three rules and more. I have to share the beach with you so don’t make me run you out on a rail with tar and feathers. Mind your own business, clean up after yourself and act like a person. With practice, you could be a person, so there’s some motivation right there. And for Christ’s sake, put some deodorant on before you leave the house. It gets hot out there on the sand, so you’re going to sweat more than usual. I don’t want to mistake your body scent downwind for a fish that’s been dead for a fortnight.

5. Get The Hell Off The Road When You’re Bicycling/ Jogging/ Rollerblading: Make no mistake, if you’re in the middle of the street, I will run your ass down. I have no objection to prying your brains off the hood of my car if you’re exercising on side streets. There are side walks in town. Use them. Sidewalks should be wide enough for most of you and if they aren’t you shouldn’t be walking at a brisk pace to the ice cream stand in the first place. If you’re on a skateboard, I may go up on the sidewalk just to hit you anyway. And now that I think of it, skateboarding hasn’t been cool since 1985, so don’t use them. That should be a rule.

6. Skateboarding Hasn’t Been Cool Since 1985, So Why Are You On One? See former sentence. You’re not Tony Hawk and I know that you’re 13 and Emo, but nobody gives a shit about your attitude or the pathetic piece of plywood between your legs. Give it up. This isn’t Jackass and it’s not Extreme Sports. Build a skate park in your back yard or I’ll run you down with my car. Start an impromptu awful trick session somewhere besides a plaza parking lot and you just might be able to retain the use of your legs for the rest of your life.

7. If You Have A Great Rack, Jog More Often: This rule is pro feminist and self explanatory. Hot women are the reason that jogging was invented, and it keeps our city beautiful. Jog early, often, and slowly. If you see a guy driving with one hand, that’s definitely not me. Seriously, though, thank god for hot women in the summer. They offset all the other idiots. If you’re a lipstick lesbian, feel free to jog with your life partner in six inch spikes. The world thanks you.

8. If You’re A Landscaper, Drop The Attitude: I’ve covered this territory before and I’ll cover it again until it’s corrected. You make ten dollars an hour to mow incontinent, old peoples’ lawns. That’s not a career. You are a lawn jockey. You may grow your hair out like Sammy Hagar and wear cutoff jeans but this does not make you cool. Get your rusty, pathetic trailer hitch off the side streets because you don’t need it for three push mowers. Piling them onto a trailer and slapping a decal on the side of said trailer doesn’t make you an international corporation, end of story. Stick them in the trunk and throw some baling wire around the back of it. That, or stick a weed wacker up your ass. I can’t stand mom and pop landscapers. The money they charge for the work they don’t do is criminal.

9. Cool It With The Road Construction: It’s the middle of the summer and pretty much everybody on the planet is out on the road, so it’s probably not the best idea in the world to start ripping up five lanes, don’tcha think? Maybe it’s better on your arthritis to stand around picking your ass when the weather is nicer, but that stipulation doesn’t go along with my tax dollars. Use some goddamned common sense. Summer time is not the time for road construction of any kind. Unless a major road way disappears into a parallel dimension, there’s no reason to start road work.

10. Stop Charging Seventeen Dollars For Fried Dough And Maybe I’ll Show Up: I’m talking to you, Six Flags Darien Lake as well as you, Erie County Fair a.k.a. America’s Fair. And let’s not forget the Italian Festival, Thursdays In The Square, The Allentown Art Festival and any other festival in Buffalo. Stop raping people with your ridiculous cover charges and overpriced concessions and maybe the fudged numbers they print in the paper will be closer to the truth. Does anyone believe that 58 million people went to the Allentown Art Festival last year? Maybe 50 people spent 58 million dollars by buying one flat eight ounce cup of pop and a hot dog each, but not 58 million people. Event prices for fairs, concerts, and festivals have become so criminal that guys like me don’t even bother anymore, so drop the prices and you’ll make up the money with real attendance instead of the fictional kind.

I’ll stop at ten before I offend anyone. Above all else, get some exercise, be safe and enjoy the nice weather. And stay off the road! And my grass! Act like a person! Damn whippersnappers.

Taking my shirt off indoors,

Tom ‘pale to sunburned in 3.3 seconds’ Waters

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