Breathing Room II LIVE NOW!/Punch Line to the ‘If They Can’t Take A Joke’ Wedding Proposal!

 Okay, kids!  This is it!

 For those of you who have read, bought and/or enjoyed volume I of Breathing Room, Volume II went ‘live’ two minutes ago!  Buckle up & order now or you can buy copies from me when my blushing bride & I get back from sunny and wonderful Myrtle Beach eight days from now!  Here’s the link!:

 

http://www.lulu.com/content/3098384

 

Again, I make MORE on the direct pdf downloads off the site and more from the print books in person, so either way is a win-win situation.  I certainly won’t be hurt (and still make a few bucks) if you can’t wait and want to order a print copy poste haste.  I promise to sign every copy for those of you who make it out to the 1,500 appearances, readings and signings booked with the Monsters Of Verse in the next six months.  Pinky swear. 

Due to my total ignorance where page layouts are concerned, I re-set (and knocked the price down) on Vol. II from $15 to $12.  It’s still 100+ pages of angst, booze and rough sex, but why gouge my install base when the overhead is so low?  I’m passing the savings along to YOU!  So act fast as supplies are limited!  Just kidding.   

Gotta run, but I’ll see you all soon!  Thanks to everyone who attended, performed, participated and organized our wonderful event for the ROCKSTAR wedding!  Love,

Mr. & Mrs. Tom & Lindsay Waters(!)

Monday Big Words Update! Week 95 on stands, Home Stretch!

     By this time next week, I won’t be a me anymore.  Legally, I’ll be a we.  In five days (and after almost four years), Lindsay and I are getting married this Saturday.  I want to thank everyone in advance for their generosity, their time and their friendship (whether blood related or otherwise).  The outpouring of help leading up to this wedding has been unexpected and is one of the few things that’s kept both of us from losing it altogther.  ‘Nuff said on that. 

     Now on to more good news: The first 20 copies of Breathing Room Volume I have sold out in a record six days.  I’ve got more on re-order and I’m hoping I’ll have them by Wednesday so that I can give away a comp copy to the boys from UB Generations, who will be interviewing me this Wednesday at a remote location in Amherst that I’ll be podcasting from.  What amazes me so far is that EVERY single person has read almost the entire book in one sitting and tells me that it’s the best book I’ve ever written.  It would be Ironic with a capital I if a book written as an homage to a dying art form actually made me financially independant as a writer once and forever.  All the capital from this point out is going right back into Volume I and Volume II and then after that it’s getting rolled into Slapstick & Superego, my final Print On Demand book with Authorhouse, which will be coming out in May. 

     Since Lindsay and I will be honeymooning in glorious Myrtle Beach next week, this will be my last Monday update for two weeks.  I’m going to try and take a digital recorder down with me for one podcast, but we’ll see what happens.  When I get back, I’ve got work, Monsters Of Verse related promotions and merchandising, radio interviews, public appearances and speaking engagements and oh, yeah, there’s my 33rd birthday to deal with at the end of October.   It’s going to be very busy for the better part of this year as well as fiscal year 2009.  This is a good thing.  As long as I’m busy, I don’t have an opportunity to allow myself to get depressed. 

     So far, ArtVoice, Buffalo Spree and both UB papers are on board for book reviews, interviews or profiles on Breathing Room by November.  I’ve been working really hard on getting the Buffalo News to commit, but I wouldn’t put that in the bank just yet.  After giving them a free copy of every book I’ve ever written and paying the postage (going all the way back to Soup To Nuts), I’ve gotten a one sentence review on ONE book.  Great.  After two years of giving them my soul, I really, really hope that they’ll take care of me on these two books.  We’ll see.

     And I have no idea which essay is running in Night Life this week.  With the computer issue earlier on, my ‘Sent’ mail is still spotty, so it’ll be a surprise to all of us as to which Big Words column runs.  I’ve got to send out all my columns for next month today, so I’m leaving you with that.   If you haven’t done so already, get off your ass and order Breathing Room Volume I: Free Verse.  You’ll be pleasantly surprised.  I can track individual orders too, so don’t think I can’t tell how many copies are going out the door.  Order a print copy or (I make more money on these and they’re cheaper) download a pdf copy to your computer instantaneously at:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2962892

     Not to play the guilt card, but as a newly married couple, we’ve got a house and children to start saving for.  Buy the book, read the book and enjoy it.  Do it.  NOW! 

     Seeya in two weeks, Monday Updaters!

Tom Waters

Big Words Radio Episode XI: ‘Get Your Stinkin’ Hands Off Of Me, You Damned Dirty Apes!’

Heyo!

 

    Co-host and staunch Republican Gun Nut Brendan and myself (the only co-host I’m too afraid to be insulting to) filled an hour after adult film star Brandy Dean stiffed after two months notice jabbering about the NRA, Tarantino, the upcoming Election, gun rights and the reanimation/cloning of Ronald Reagan.  Much Guinnei was consumed.  I honestly didn’t think that the Auntie Linda episode (episode 4) could be topped, but as Patrick Swayze says, ‘we had the time of our lives’.  Tune in, click over, or dial it up on the intraweb over at:

 

http://www.thinktwiceradio.com/tom-waters/tom-waters.html

 

    You NEED to listen to this episode.  A huge thanks goes out to Brendan for doing such a tremendous turn as a co-host and a right-wing genius.  Thanks to Richard Wicka for putting up with the both of us.  And a big thanks goes out to Greg Sterlace (who’s leaving for Arizona with his wife shortly) for inviting us both on his television show in early October.  More news on that as it develops.  Above all else, listen in.  Enjoy!

Monday Big Words Update! Week 94 on Stands, Big Words Radio Episode 10(!) up now!

     The rant you know and love is coming out swinging this week in Night Life’s Big Words I Know By Heart column with ‘When In Sloan’, the now-epic, no-holds barred slam on ‘Sloanheads’ that seems to be everyone’s favorite Opening Shot from Big Words Radio Episode II.  Scoop it up on stands all week!

     And in case you didn’t catch the news flash yesterday, Breathing Room Volume I: Free Verse is available RIGHT NOW!  At $15 with a money back guarantee, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be racking up your credit and debit cards and starting your pre-ordering engines direct from my distributor at:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2962892

     Until I start seeing some orders placed, I’m just going to keep harping on it all over the web and in person, so get on there, grab a copy and enjoy the verbiage!  My initial 20 copy order is down to 15 in the span of two days, so you’re better off in the short run ordering from Lulu.  Volume II should and will be done by the first or second week of October.  Best case scenario, first week.

     I also spent four hours today lining up bookings for Breathing Room, myself and the other two Monsters Of Verse for the remainder of this calendar year at FYE, Talking Leaves, The Center For Inquiry and quite a few others.  The feelers are out and quite a few weekly, daily and campus newspapers will be conducting print interviews as well as book reviews for yours truly.  Since it’s a poetry book, I need total saturation if I’m going to give these two books a fighting chance, so expect to see and hear ‘this guy’ all around town and beyond starting October 25th. 

     And finally, we’ve reached Episode 10 (technically 11) of the Big Words Radio One Man Mobile Unit!  I recorded in sunny and fierce Las Vegas, Nevada last week and co-host Curt Kusckowski and myself blasted off on mob mentality convention crowds, implants, douche chips and a whole lot more.  The opening shot was ‘Bizarro Acrophobia’, a rant from Slapstick & Superego about the benefits of being a tall man versus going through life suffering from short guy syndrome.  Click away and dial it up on your Ipod over at:

http://www.thinktwiceradio.com/tom-waters/tom-waters.html

     The-that’s-the-that’s-the-that’s all, folks.  I’ll be dropping the confirmed appearance/reading/signing dates for October, November and December up first over at my YourHub events site, then Evite, then Myspace and beyond later in the week.  Stay tuned.  Same bat time, same bat channel.  And remember, I firmly believe that whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you…stranger.  Sincerely,

Tom Waters

Breathing Room Volume I: Free Verse First Editions Available NOW!

Gang,

 

    After two years of writing, two months of selection, proof-reading, spell-checking, brainstorming and another two months of exceptional interior layout design by Nicholas Peterson, I’m very, very proud to announce that the first volume of my two volume poetry brainchild is finally ready for purchase!  I received my first 20 copies and with a reading in Rochester coming up in less than two weeks, the odds of obtaining a copy from me are pretty slim and grim.  Please, PLEASE feel free to order directly from my distributor at the following link as soon as possible:

 

http://www.lulu.com/content/2962892

 

    After looking over the inaugural batch of the first volume, I can honestly say that this is the most professional book I’ve ever been honored to be a part of.  It was definitely a group effort, though.  This book wouldn’t have been possible without the tireless spell checking and irreplaceable feedback from Carrie Gardner as well as the far-above-par layout skills of Nick Peterson.  The same team is (or already have) pitched in on Volume II: rhymes & relics, which will be available by the middle of October (just in time for the first Monsters Of Verse booking at the Center For Inquiry on Saturday, October 25th).

    The book is also available as a download.  Don’t feel bad either, as I make more money through the web site on downloads than I would from print copies.  If you absolutely have to have a physical copy of the book, contact me as soon as you can as supplies are painfully limited for the next two weeks.  I promise to sign every copy of every book purchased and that’s a fact.  In addition, I’m offering a money back guarantee on all saleable condition copies that any of you are willing to try if it’s not your cup of tea.  Men who have read the book (in one sitting, every single one of them) have been more ardent supporters of these two books than women, and women have been pretty fond of it, too.  Give it a chance.  You’ll be surprised. 

    Another chapter of my life is complete.  I’ve got more good news but I’ll save it for another day.  So start your engines.  Start ordering now.  After Slapstick & Superego drops next May, I’m out of the Print On Demand business altogether.  I’ve got enough networking connections, enough tools and contacts at my disposal, and a firm enough grasp of the marketing/publishing hierarchy that it’s high time to go into business for myself.  Ladies and Gentleman, after two (and soon to be three) very successful ventures as publisher, proprietor and CEO of Doubt It Publishing, I’ll be going into business for myself. 

 

     Order the new book.  Order two.  Or five.  Here is the retail breakdown:

 

    Trade Paperback: $14.99 (154 pages)

    PDF download: $9.99

 

    And please, let me know what you think.  The money back guarantee is not a fluke.  If you’ve read the book and you don’t like it, I will pay out of pocket including the shipping charges.  And lest I forget, Lulu’s standard USPS shipping is lightning fast.  Many of you have complained in the past about the long wait times for online ordering and you’re not going to have that problem with Breathing Room.  My first twenty copies were printed, bound and on my doorstep in six days.  Not business days, but six calendar days.  Scoop up a copy.  I’ll give you all a shout out sooner than you think.  Thanks for entering a new phase in my life with me,

 

Tom Waters

Back In The Saddle/Welcome Back To Buffalo!

I got back into town yesterday afternoon around 4 o’clock via Southwest airlines after five insane days in cripplingly humid Las Vegas at the luxurious Mandalay Bay Casino and Resort Hotel.  Myself and Curt (my roomate and subsequent co-host) managed to get one episode down for the radio show which is going to transmogrify into the historically epic Big Words One Man Mobile Unit episode 10 some time within the next few days.  I should have pictures up on Myspace by tomorrow night at the latest.  I was a very busy photog while I was out there.  Home again, home again, jiggety jig. 

     It’s good to be back.  I’m in the home stretch on the wedding and autumn is kicking in, which is traditionally a fantastic time of year for me, weather and otherwise.  In three weeks, we’ll be soaking up the sun at Myrtle Beach in South Carolina in the heart of the resort community for the honeymoon and hobnobbing on the Grand Strand during a competing Biker Week at the House of Blues among other things.  Hopefully I can get another podcast down during that, too.

     In classic Murphy’s Law fashion, ‘Our People’ (the rant about my new inlaws) ran in the Buffalo News My View section on Tuesday while I was out of town.  If anyone still has Tuesday’s copy of the Buffalo News, I would truly appreciate a copy of the print run. 

     Hennessey’s Bar and Grill on Broadway review ran this morning in the new issue of Gusto in the Buffalo News this morning.  Scoop it up if you’d like. 

     And finally, the first 20 copies of Breathing Room vol. I: Free Verse are en route via UPS as we speak.  The layout couldn’t look any more perfect.  Nick Peterson did a phenomenal job on the internal mechanisms for the book and I’m really excited about gearing up for the upcoming promotional junket!  If you’re interested in obtaining a signed copy of the book, contact me poste haste as there is a week delay in ordering/receiving more copies. 

     That’s all the news that’s fit to print for one day.  I’ll holler back on Monday for the routine update with any more developments.  Thank god I’m back in Buffalo.  Vegas is too crazy for me and there are too many opportunities for trouble out there, so it’s comforting to be back home.  Talk to you soon,

Tom Waters

Saturday Update (in lieu of Monday): ‘She Packed My Bags Last Night Pre-Flight’

     I’ll be flying out at ten am tomorrow morning to sunny and warm Las Vegas Nevada to stay at the Mandalay Bay Casino and Resort Hotel at the expense of my company for our yearly convention, so needless to say, I won’t be around this Monday for my usual update.  I’ll be back in town on Thursday, September 11th to resume business as normal.

     The bad news for next week is that I’ve been scooped at ArtVoice.  After taking a pitch from Geoff Kelly (and doing the grunt work and the leg work), my assignment has been bumped in favor of Reginald Dwight, a freelancer who’s worked with AV over the years.  Geoff at least had the good manners to email me about it, but I’m more than a bit miffed that I put the time in on the piece with no pay only to find that another so-called journalist will be swooping down on the spoils.  Just when I thought I was back in ArtVoice’s good graces, they shelved another completed review of mine and went with one of their boys.  As a freelancer, I’ve heard of Dwight in Buffalo circles before, and I’ll say this: Stay off my turf.  If you’ve heard of me, Dwight, you know damn well that I’ll fix your wagon if you don’t mind your own business.  I won’t forget this any time soon.  ‘Nuff said on that front. 

     As for Night Life business, the second part of ‘The Divine Pop Comedy’ (an excerpt from my 30 page critique on the discography of Elton John) will be running this Monday. 

     On the Think Twice radio front, there have been no new episodes up online since Episode 9.  Richard Wicka was kind enough to loan me his Roland digital recorder for my trip, so you can count on me recording at least two shows while I’m spending five days and six nights in Sin City.  Vegas is bad news for a guy like me, so I’ll make sure to share at least some of the sordid play by play with my listeners. 

     And the proof for Breathing Room Volume I: Free Verse was emailed via attachment to me yesterday morning and it looks phenomenal.  My new layout liason Nick Peterson did a more than perfect job on the manuscript, which was surreptitiously uploaded to the Lulu sight this evening.  The first twenty copies are on their way via UPS overnight mail and I will have them available for sale on Thursday the 11th.  If you want a copy from the first batch, speak now or forever hold your peace.  Volume II will be available (as promised) by the beginning of October and both volumes will be ready for purchase in time for the launch event at the Center For Inquiry on October, 25th. 

That should be everything for now.  Enjoy the cold weather, suckers!  Real writers like me (not Reginald Dwight) will be out slinging down singapore slings in the belly of the beast out in 110 degree Las Vegas until the tail end of next week!  Have fun (because I certainly will be),

Tom Waters   

‘Fun Home’ review hits Comics Bulletin, CFI aftermath

I’ve just had two days off and I could use two more. 

Wednesday is apparently the day that graphic novel reviews go live up on comicsbulletin.com.  Thom Young (my editor over there) and I had a good long discussion yesterday morning and in the midst of it he let me know that my review on Allison Bechdel’s Fun Home had been posted.  On the re-read, I was all over the place, sounding off on homosexuality, political correctness, Elton John, David Foster Wallace, etc.  Read for yourself over at:

http://www.comicsbulletin.com/reviews/

And speaking of Elton John, the Night Life Big Words column this week is an excerpt from my 30 page monstrosity of an exposition on the complete discography (and then some) on Elton John that’s going to be in Slapstick & Superego.  The abridged essay covers only Elton’s last three studio albums, which I feel are as perfect a swan song for such an acclaimed career as any fanatic could ask for.  The essay is titled ‘The Divine Pop Comedy’.  I’m really proud of the excerpted edit as well as the complete piece.  Scoop it up on stands this week.

And finally, I did recording duty last night at the Center For Inquiry for Perry Nicholas’ brilliant Literary Cafe.  JR Finlayson was kind enough to read two of my poems for one of the open reader slots and read one of his own from his chap book Gypsy Stance Blues.  It was a diverse night full of quite a few talented local writers including Loren Keller, Martha Deed, John Marvin, Cory Neil and many others.  Think Twice should have it up on the CFI’s banner by week’s end at the latest.

‘hum a few bars’

-the following poem is from my third poetry collection (under construction right now), Poke The Scorpion With A Sharp Stick.  While I wrote it a few weeks ago, the last few lines seem fitting for what went down this week in the ongoing pinata that my immediate friends and family seem content to smack me like when I’m down…

hum a few bars

never go to bars

on weekends.

they’re full of brash

foolish children

aching to see and be seen.

skulking about the rail

posturing, mugging, braying

like asses

with designer gels and perfumes.

police cruisers lie in wait

picking their moment

savoring the hunt

waiting for the right

clown to pass through

their periphery

another life destroyed

maybe two

zippety doo dah.

dance clubs

packed to the rafters

with glitter and glo

disposable songs

for disposable people

practicing the slow

ritual

something like the sexual act.

lifers

hanging on to the last call

i’ve been there

(and I still visit myself from back then

from time to time)

but it hurts to go back.

nursing that last beer

that last scotch on ice

that last stout

that one more before the road home

hanging on to the night

because we’re horrified

of what comes into view

in broad daylight.

weekends at the bar sadden me

there are too many

things that can go wrong

and there is enough that is

faulty

in my contradictory

Existence

and enough ugliness

outside these haunts

to contend with.

Monday Big Words Update! Week 92 on stands, scroll down…

Okie doke,

This week I’ve got the Center For Inquiry on Wednesday which, hopefully, I’ll be recording for Think Twice as well as reading at.  The new issue of Night Life is on stands with what I have no idea.  This summer has been so confusing where my submissions of Night Life have been concerned that this issue is going to be a surprise for both of us.  I did a rather lengthy update yesterday, so feel free to scroll down if you want to get caught up on everything else.  More later in the week if I have the time/energy,

Tom Waters